What You Are Is Beautiful

Affectionate Ava part 1

Beatrice didn't know what to say to that. She hadn't ever had to say anything to that before because no one had ever said that to her before. It was a thank you, but she couldn't say 'no problem' or 'of course, like she usually did. She couldn't be her. Who she was wasn't okay. Who she was couldn't be okay, but she wanted it to be.

"Beatrice?"

"Yeah?"

"Okay. You stopped breathing." Ava pulled back from the hug but rested her hands on Beatrice's knees. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Just a little taken aback."

"Why?"

Beatrice sighed. She wanted to explain it to Ava, but she also didn't want to come off as overly dramatic or give away too much information. "I'm trying to change who I am. I have been for ages now and it's weird to think of anything other than who I should be versus who I am."

"Well, I like it when you're you. Plus, I've already said this, but your parents can fuck themselves. You're Beatrice. You're amazing."

Beatrice laughed softly.

"In all seriousness, I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep after that, but I wouldn't be opposed to still going or maybe exploring?" Ava paused. "Or we could go back to camp. That's good too."

"No, I would like to be away from camp for a little while. Why not the river? We've settled into a nice routine, but we don't have to sleep necessarily."

"Oh, we don't?" Ava couldn't resist the joke. She just loved raunchy humor and it really payed off when Beatrice's face brightened in response. Ava couldn't help but stare and chuckle. It was an adorable sight, watching Bea struggle to maintain her usual outward composure.

Bea was frustrated with her inability to control her outward expressions. She had never really struggled with it before, or at least not as a nun, but she wasn't even that anymore. Her face fell at that and she felt it everywhere. Every time she thought of herself as no longer a nun, she felt like something was being torn from her, tearing her into pieces in the process. Lucky for her, sadness was a usual thing and she was very equipped at hiding it. She casually slapped Ava's shoulder. "On that note, let's get going."

The two made their way to the river in a comfortable silence. The tension had resolved and Ava made sure to keep better reign on her 'blasphemous' statements. She didn't want to repeat what just happened. She never wanted to hurt Bea like that.

Beatrice kept replaying Ava's words in her head. She had never been thanked for being her and she didn't know what to make of it, but it felt good. It felt really good.

From what she understood, that was a good thing. If it wasn't, then she would feel like it wasn't, but then again, her conscience wasn't always the best tool. That's what she had been taught at least. So even though she didn't feel bad for her feelings towards Ava, she knew that she should. It was what others would think of her that really concerned her and held her back.

It's what made her despise the sinful elements that wove their way into her deepest and most secret thoughts. The ones that she tried so hard to fight and prevent, but still couldn't. She knew that she had to acknowledge them. And not just to herself. She needed to tell someone else about her romantic attractions towards other girls, but she didn't know how to do it. She hoped that when the time was right, she would know. She just hoped that time would be soon.

Ava and Beatrice arrived at their usual spot rather quickly and settled down where they always did. The conversation didn't start naturally like always, but it was still nice to be there. Beatrice turned to face the river, slipping off her shoes and dipping her feet into the water while they sat. Ava followed suit, sitting with her thigh pressed against Bea's. She knew she was closer than normal, but Beatrice didn't seem to mind it.

Beatrice was aware of the proximity and it was all she could think about, but she refused to give any outward sign that she noticed or cared. It was getting easier for her to hide these kinds of feelings. She knew that she wasn't supposed to have those feelings at all. Her love was only for God, but she couldn't help but feel affection for this girl. She convinced herself that it was okay as long as she could learn to only think of her as a friend. The way she thought of her Sisters.

Beatrice was almost convinced it was possible for her to only feel that when Ava rested her head against her shoulder. Beatrice went rigid as all of her mental progress was undone. She felt a swell in her heart and her breathing quickened. This was going to be impossible. Beatrice threw her arm around Ava's shoulder who then wrapped an arm around her waist.

They sat in silence for a few moments. Beatrice fought to keep her breathing under control as her heart continued to increase its already racing pace.

Ava didn't know exactly what she was doing, but Beatrice didn't seem to mind. All she knew was she really liked it. Beatrice was so easy to be around, but also so nerve wracking to be around as well. She couldn't help but be concerned about what she might be thinking of her right now.

"Hey Ava?"

"Yeah?"

"As much as I am enjoying myself," Shit why did you say that, "it's about time to go back to camp. The others will be expecting us."

Ava nodded her agreement before standing. She extended her hand to Beatrice who took it as she stood. Ava nodded with a smile and turned to walk back to camp with Beatrice in tow still holding onto her hand.

"Race you back to camp?" Ava grinned.

"Bet," Beatrice countered. And the two were off.