𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐲'𝐬 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐨: 𝟗 | 𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐲𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐛𝐬

❝ casey panic ❞

**this is a bit of a long chapter. feel free to skip.

david made me go to bed early last night >:(

took me over an hour to fall asleep. i wasn't ready.

i thought about some things though. i think i've already forgotten some of the things, but i'll share what i do remember.

i have had 2 panic attacks over casey. one was when i thought he had corona cuz of something he put on his snapchat story. i feel pretty ashamed over that.

the other one,,, i'm pretty sure i didn't talk about cuz,,, it was really embarrassing for me,,,

we were in theology (which was the class where casey sat a desk behind me to my right) taking a quiz/test over the ten commandments.

all we had to do was write out all of the ten commandments. it was easy. i studied and memorized all of them.

but,,, after thinking about casey, suddenly, a panic attack hit. my heart was pounding out of my chest, and my whole body became stiff. everything tensed up so much that when i got to the last part, my handwriting became very sloppy and almost unintelligible. every line was really squiggly and off.

i really did try to write properly. i was getting anxious over the idea that casey or anyone else would notice how badly my hand started to shake.

  on the topic of that, i'd tense up a lot in theology class cuz i was getting so nervous over casey. i worked on getting my body calmed down enough to just casually sit, but then out of nowhere, every muscle in my body tensed up. if i tried to move, i'd shake badly. this often happened when we took notes.

  at the end of the school year before online school, school became like this:

• pro: casey
• con: casey

  i loved going to school knowing that i had 3 classes where i sat next to him, plus other random opportunities in the day to at least see him. we had a group project thing together in english before online school. that was nice. we also rode on the same bus.

  the con though was that i'd get anxiety and panic around him that it was debilitating. good thing i don't have to worry about that anymore :) so i can assume that school will be better once we go back. i get to keep the pro of seeing him >:)

as for that time travel scenario that lingered in my head, i wouldn't want to go back. i wouldn't willingly. i'm happy with how things are and wouldn't change them.

  if i was suddenly thrown back to freshman year, things would feel awful. idk if i'd have to wait until the end of junior year to get that perfect opportunity with casey again or not, but i wouldn't be the same or would do the same things if i went back obviously. the smallest things will lead up to random but important changes.

  plus, part of what led us to being together did have to do with the closeness me and richie had when we were dating. it led us to talking about dnd and giving richie the idea to create a dnd party that would only come to fruition months after.

  i could still try to persuade him into making it without forcing myself into having that kind of relationship again just to manipulate richie into doing it, but the thing about having the party the way it was, i befriended mark and was invited to play some jackbox games they were playing at the time.

  i wouldn't know what to do and when to do it. if i had to start from scratch and deviate from how things actually happened, i have no idea what kind of relationship me and casey would've had. would he have still liked me, or would it have been different back then? would i ever have gotten the opportunity i did to be with casey?

i'm grateful that things went perfectly for us. i really am. it was just a scenario that wandered my mind and got me curious.

  moving on, i was also thinking about my poppy who died freshman year. i miss him.

  i'll also never be able to go back to his house again. i'm not lying when i say it's my favorite place, and if i could choose anywhere in the world to go, i'd choose to go there one last time.

  it holds very many memories for me. it felt the most like home considering i'd only visit there once a year. there was just,,, something about it that i loved so much. it actually became stronger the last time i saw my grandpa before he passed. i discovered the covered up hole in the yard, and me and poppy went to a creek and caught some mussels and crawfish to put into the pond :)

  it sucks that i can't go there anymore. my grandma moved out to live with her boyfriend (which made me feel uncomfortable hearing about it, but i hope she's happy) and i don't talk to her anymore due to her still supporting my dad even after she went to my mom tell her how my dad was being abusive.

if the house isn't bought by anyone when i'm old enough, i'd like to buy it. not to live there but just own it and visit it from time to time, i guess.

  i wonder what it would look like then. ik that mémère planned on having some renovations done so it would look nicer and hopefully be bought, but i think she struggled with the money to do so.

the water for the pond would no longer be running. i could expect it to be empty, water-wise or life-wise. the house would be silent.

oh yeah, most likely no furniture. no couch, recliner, or tv. no bed. no vanity. no desks or computer. none of the stuff my dad and uncle owned that was left upstairs. none of my childhood toys that held a lot of meaning to me. a significant part of what i loved about the house would be expected to be gone.

  but!! that doesn't mean that i still can't buy furniture to replace things or fix some stuff up myself.

  did poppy ever leave behind a will? i can remember absolutely no discussion about it when i visited for his funeral or when i last visited the house. i don't want to seem greedy, but it would be nice to get something nostalgic back.

  my grandma knew the most how much that house to me. actually, my dad did, but idk if he would have any influence for what i could possibly get.

  anywaytwtwyw, maybe one day i can go back and say hi to poppy again.

  tl;dr: panic over casey and missing my grandpa and his house.