Finding my Leelen [completed]

Chapter 1 Books were my starlight

There is a part of me that feels out of place no matter where I go, with whom I am or what I do. I feel sometimes as a spectator in my own skin, asking myself constantly why I am here and what I should do with my life. Everything in my life seems out of place, seems gray, no colors, no adventures, no feelings. Everything except my books.

I'm 20 years old and most of my life I've lived through the pages of books. There's where I found some resemblance of parents, family, there I've found my first advice, my first friend, my first date. I've experienced my first kiss through some chapters in a romance book, my first heart broke in the end of a fictional relationship and my first time in a bed made of pages. I run from reality every time I have a chance because my reality... well, my reality sucks.

Reality for me means no family, no mom, no dad, no brothers or grandparents.I grew up in an orphanage without anyone who would really care about me, being bitten up for my food, for my clothes, for everything except my books. You see, orphan people don't usually read, fighting every single moment to live is exhausting and at the end of another horrible day most kids don't have the energy to open a book. I wasn't like most of the kids. Since my teacher gave me my first book that was all I've done: read. I could stay more than a day without food, but not without reading. That was my escape, my refuge, my life.

Also reality for me means living in a shared apartment, trying to finish my studies and trying to make money as a waitress to save enough so one day I could afford my own place. You see, being an orphan means that if you are not going to college when you turn 18, you are homeless, if you finish your studies and don't have where to stay, you are homeless. Nothing is worse than being homeless. Lucky for me I was always really good in school and I got accepted in one of the best colleges in the country. The state pays for my studies and my rent, and because I am quite smart I received enough money from my scholarship to afford living and buying all those books. So all my salary goes into 'Savings', saving for my biggest dream: a home.

That's my motivation to get out of the house at 10 PM, after 5 chapters of a book and 4 to 6 hours of classes, to get to work. I hate my work! Basically because I hate socializing and smiling like I have no problems, I hate people who drink way too much and I hate guys trying to put their hands on me like they own me. I hate the Atmosphere club with all my heart. The only good think is that I work with Cyra, my colleague and roommate, she is my best friend - my only friend actually - and since my freshman year when I rent a room in her apartment, we were basically inseparable.

Cyra came into my life when everything was a mess: I was out of the orphanage, but the orphanage was not out of my system. I used to have terrible nightmares, little pieces of memory of the hell I lived there. I was so afraid that the other students will steal my meals in the cafeteria that I used to hide my food and eat it in the bathroom. When guys approach me I would panic, frozen in place by the memories. If they would try to touch me I would scream, it didn't matter if they were teachers or colleagues. But Cyra helped me, every night she comforted me after the nightmares, she would listen and tell me that I'm safe, that she will protect me. She helped me understand the world, she stood by my side every time whispering in my ear 'You're safe, love! And you're so damn strong!' I don't think there are a lot of girls at 18 who would do what she did for me, sacrificing her freshman year to help me, that's why I love her more than anything in the world.

-What are you doing, A? she says standing in the doorway of my room. We are going to be late to work, why aren't you dress yet? she's wearing our work uniform: a pair of black jeans, a simple white t-shirt and white snickers and while on me they look horrible, on her they look amazing. She has legs for days, beautiful long black hair and deep black eyes. Basically she is a model, while I am short, my hips way to wide, my hear a brown mess and my eyes blue as those of white walkers in GOT.

-I'll be ready in 10 minutes, C, don't get mad, we are not going to be late.

-I surely hope so! That gorgeous male is waiting for me to have coffee and I will not be late, because tonight, my love, I will have some action with him no matter what!

Yeah, she is talking about her newest oppression, Ivan Palmer, a senior who has a very bad reputation with women, but is illegally handsome. Somehow they started talking while she was serving him and his friends at the Atmosphere, considering how beautiful Cyra is there is no surprise he was interested in her. But I don't like the guy, he makes me worry for her because I know the idiot is going to break her heart in the end.

Cyra tends to fall in love too fast and just as fast she gets her heart broken. She has horrible taste in men, no that I am an expert, I have no taste, no man and I never had, but I might know a thing or two about love considering how much romance I read and what she usually has is no love, but passion, desire and wild sex, from what she tells me.

For me dating only happened in books, never in real life. Even though I am much better now with guys standing close to me, touching me and I talk every night with at least 50 guys at work, I am still not 100% fine. Everyone knows I have issues, it's kind of hard for guys not to know when I have crises if someone touches me and I am not very aware. If my head is in other place than my body and a guys touches me, not in an inappropriate way, just touching my elbow or shoulder, I usually start to scream and have panic attacks. Kind of a buzz killer for guys right? My therapist says in time it will get better, but truth be told I am not sure and most of all, I am sure no guy would want to date a broken girl like me.

As promised I get myself ready in 10 minutes, just putting on the uniform, securing my hair in a ponytail and we are on our way out of the apartment.

-I am so excited, she says in confession. I think I've never been with someone like him! Do you think he is good in bed? my cheeks feel suddenly very hot, but she doesn't seem to notice cause she keeps going. Who am I kidding? Of course he is amazing, I bet he has a hugs d...

-Cyra, please stop! I tell her before hearing anything else.

-Ops, sorry A, I am to nervous about him and I didn't think what I was saying. She says while poking my cheek and smiling at me. You should really start dating, my love, she says with a bit of sadness in her eyes. Stop living through your books and start really living. I know some guys that would l...

-No,please don't start with this again. Look I told you, I don't know how I would react if someone would try to kiss me, I still feel... she stops me and takes my head into her hands brushing of one tear. Suddenly I feel really cold.

-A, you know you are not alone anymore right? No matter what I will always be by your side. You are out of that hell, and no one will ever hurt you, I will kill anyone who will dear to even look in the wrong way at you. You know you are safe with me? I smile at the strange warm feeling I have every time C tells me this, I feel like I did get a family after all, at 18 but I get it anyway.

-I know, C! I know, but sometimes I feel like I didn't really got out of there, like I lost an essential part of me there... Can you imagine how hard it would be for someone to be with me? No one will have enough patience and honestly I don't want to put all of my history in someone else's back...

My years in the system were horrible, always afraid, always hungry, always with bruises, always scared of the older guys who came at night in the girls room and touched us, mocked us...

-You are amazing,Anays, you are beautiful, smart, sweet, you have a golden heart, you are so innocent and, for fuck sake, you are the strongest person I know. Any guy would be lucky to have someone like you. Plus, didn't your books thought you one thing? The right one will wait, will have the patience and will be strong enough to cast away all the nightmares.

I feel my eyes getting wet with tears, I thing sometimes C doesn't realize how much she means to me, that if I wouldn't met her I would probably have killed myself in my first year here. But then she speaks to me like this, and I know she knows everything I feel, that we don't need too many words to understand each other and how much love is between us.

-I love you! I tell squeezing her in my arms. You're my crazy sister, you know that right?

-Right! She says hugging me back. Now let's go and keep your fingers crossed for me cause I really wanna get laid.

We smile as we enter the club, holding each other hands and getting ready for another horrible night for me, an a possible steamy one for her.