Finding my Leelen [completed]

Chapter 20 Gentle

Dimitri knocks on the bathroom door for over one hour now and I can't even talk back, tell him to leave me alone. I just sit on the floor feeling like shit because of how good it felt to be with him, how terrified he looked, how much he hurt me and how much I already want to let this behind us. I can feel his own pain and his anger directed to himself, I can feel his fear he might lose me and how much he hates himself for hurting my feelings. 

I never regretted him knowing my past, knowing about my fears and my years at the orphanage, until now. I am scared that even if I managed to get over it with his help, he could never get over what he knows. Because of our bond he could see everything that happened, how terrified I was, how much I hated men, how I would think sex was gross, how it would made me feel sick to my stomach thinking about being with someone... And I don't want all of that to cast shadows on us. I want him to never think about that, to just focus on how much he changed me, how much I wanted to be with him, how every cell of me was hungry for him. 

I keep on crying sitting there, letting my mind wandering until a loud noise come from the door ripping her open and I turn to see Dimitri staying in the doorframe. He only has a pair of gray pants on, he's breathing hard and his eyes are sadder than I've seen them before.

-Leelen, he says coming to me and lifting me in his arms. 

I just let my tears keep falling breathing his minty scent and he carries me to the bed. He then goes to the bathroom coming back with a towel in his hand, cleaning me. I forgot I was still covered in him. That only makes my heart hurt even worse. He dresses me with clothes that I don't recognize as my own and covers me with a blanket hugging and kissing my head. 

-I don't think about your past, he starts saying to me. I mean, I hate what happened to you, but I don't look at you and see that girl. I am not afraid I will hurt you being rough because of what happened to you, but because... he stops himself searching for the right words. Because to me you are so pure, so good, so lovely that you don't deserve anything but me being as gentle and as loving as I could be. Leelen, I don't compare you to others, I never did it, I was comparing me with my old self. I don't want you to think I do with you what I did with others, I don't want myself to be that guy anymore. No one could ever compare to you, I love you so much that 'love' sounds so little compared with what I feel for you, I find you to be so beautiful I can't stop myself from staring all the time and I want you... God, Anays, I want you so much.

-What if I don't want you to be gentle all the time? What if I want you to lose control with me? I manage to say between tears. What if I need you to do this?

-Then I will do it, he says quickly. I will be anything you want me to be.

-You are not just this gentle guy, Dimitri, I can see it in you. You are both gentle and harsh, you are calm and angry, you are full of opposites. You are both men, the good carrying one that you are when you are with me, but also the rough one that you were with them. I am not this angel you picture me to be so stop acting like you mess me up if you introduce me to your dark side.

-Baby...

-And I want all of you, Dimitri! I say turning so I can meet his gaze. I want you to be yourself with me, to be the one who enjoys all of your sides. I want each and every part of you because I love you and I need you in all the ways you can give yourself to me. I need you to let me know every side of you.

He takes me into his arms kissing me, moving his hand up and down my back, pulling my body against his body, squeezing me into his arms.  

I feel too tired to talk or move anymore so I just let him cuddle me. 

-You already have each and every part of me, leelen. And I promise you, I will let you know all of me.

I feel my eyes closing soon after I hear his words and give him a smile.