End Up Here

i love you so much that i hate you

At first when I wake up in the morning, I'm confused of where I am. The room is bigger, and next to me is...

Calum.

Suddenly, flashbacks of the night before rush over me. How we did all those things that felt so good at the time, but now, looking back, I'm not sure I was ready. Plus, he didn't even consider my needs. I feel so weird about our relationship. One minute, he'll do something that makes me fall for him even harder, and the next, I want to punch him in the face. Is that healthy? Maybe if my parents hadn't told me "abstinence is the only way", I would have had some valuable information for this time in my life. 

Beside me, Calum shifts. I can tell he's slowly waking up. Because of everything, I'm kind of dreading talking to him. What do I even say?

"Good morning Supernova," he mumbles, eyes creeping open. 

I try to smile back, but it comes off more as a grimace.

"Is everything alright?" he asks.

"Well, I don't really know. It's nothing."

"C'mon. Is it something about last night?"

"Yeah, but. Maybe I'm just overreacting."

"Were you not ready?"

"Um, well, yes that's part--"

He grabs my hand. "I promise from here on out we'll take it slower. I know this is all new for you. I just want you to feel comfortable."

"Thanks." I debate in my head whether to continue on about... the main thing that had upset me, but decide to just sit up. "I think I'm gonna go back to my dorm," I mutter.

"But I wanted to make you breakfast!" 

"I just don't feel too good. Hopefully I'll feel better by tonight though, so we can do something."

He nods, accepting my excuse. From there, I gather my things, get dressed back into yesterday's clothes, and head out.

I realize as I'm walking that this will be one of the last walks I make back to my current dorm. From here on out, I'll be with Maisy in a separate building. Weird. So many memories have happened along this route. 

Fortunately, when I knock on the door, Lia opens right away. "So how was it with-- hey, are you okay?"

I give a curt nod and collapse onto my bed. "Things were weird."

"You look like you got hit by a train. So what's really up?"

"I..... Cal..... I um.... me.... we..."

"Wait, did you guys fuck?!"

"Well, not all the way. Just some...." I gesture at my mouth, and she gets it.

"Oh my god! How was it?"

"Well, it was hot for a minute, but then... the minute was over... and he finished on my chest and fell asleep before even getting a towel."

Her jaw drops. "That asshole! Do you want to go break his bass?"

"No, no, I don't need to do that. I'm probably just overreacting."

"No you're not! That's literally the rudest thing I've ever heard. Maybe you should just get with Maisy," she jokes.

"Yeah," I mumble. "Maybe I should. How was it with you and Luke?"

She smiles, and I can already picture how it went. "It was amaaaaazing! He's so rich now, we got filet mignon, and he even paid off the waiter to get us champagne."

I raise my eyebrows. "Is he a fucking drug dealer?"

"No! The boys just got their advance for the One Direction tour. So he's treating me."

"So you're over that now?"

"I guess. I mean, Megan is really ugly, so I don't think he was doing it for the wrong reasons."

I frown. Calum hasn't even acknowledged that he got his advance already. What was he doing with his money? I just wish he would communicate about this stuff with me.

"Well, I'm happy for you. I guess. I just wouldn't trust him so... soon after all of this."

She shrugs. "Someone's gotta be the next Courtney Love. Wait, not like that though. Just like, an iconic couple."

I laugh. Calum was a wildcard, but I'm glad I have her here for the summer. "So, should I go talk to Calum?"

She nods. "Go for it. Don't put up with his bullshit."

I take a deep breath in, and go to my dresser. Time to pick out a badass outfit and confront this shit head on.