Letting love in (GTop)

Flood gates

~Seunghyun~

I awake with a heavy sense of dread, it's dark in the room and it's way to quiet. I sit up quickly, my head moving from side to side, immediately noticing the problem. Ji isn't in bed with me. My eyes snap to the clock on the bedside table which reads 4:38 in the morning. I cast my senses out, trying to pick up any sound, a bit of movement, or even just a gut feeling of where he could be.

I throw the blankets aside and move my legs over the side of the bed, hesitating against getting up. The last time I panicked like this and Ji was just getting a glass of water, I didn't hear the end of it for the whole next day. Ji is starting to lash out, I know it's because of all of the stress he's under. Every session with Dr. Park only unlocks more doors he's kept shut all of these years, and it's starting to take a toll. Honestly, I understand his behavior, but I can't seem to get over the little pangs in my chest whenever he speaks coldly to me or is clearly having a hard time and refuses my help or comfort. That's the other thing that has me scared, Ji keeps pulling away from me. Mentally he's been pulling away for months, but now he's starting to physically and I miss him, I miss the feel of him in my arms, I miss the feel of him beneath my fingers.

Blame is one thing I refuse to pin at him though. The things that have been unlocked in his mind lately makes it perfectly clear why he doesn't want to be touched. Memories of terrible things done to him, or horrifying experiences that make every desire to be touched fly out the window and I clearly get that he needs space to work through these things, that he needs air to properly breath after these memories resurface, but it doesn't mean I don't crave Ji, it doesn't mean that my own body needs to be near him in every way. Anything sexual doesn't even cross my mind, I know that he's not in the proper place for that right now. I just want to feel him pressed up against me, his little body enveloped by my own, so I can hold him, so I can feel connected to him, so I can feel that we are still in this as one.

My mind snaps out of it's little reprieve when I hear a faint, but still obvious humming noise, coming from the other side of the room, coming from the bathroom. My hesitation forgotten, I rush to the door, not even bothering to knock and push the door open. I search the room frantically till I find the source of the noise, and what I find makes me pale, while I drop to my knees.

Ji is in front of me, sitting in the bathtub full of water fully clothed, with his knees tightly hugged to his chest, and his hands have a death grip on the sides of his head, sqeezing almost too hard. He is rocking back and forth, and humming lightly, seeming like he's lost in another world completely.

I reach out, but stop before I touch him, not knowing if it would help or if it would just make things worse. My breath comes out in a shallow, wobble as I try to think of anything I can do for him that'll help, but I come up empty. I feel completely and utterly helpless.

"Ji?" I finally try "baby, are you ok?"

I receive nothing in return, I don't even get a twitch of his muscles in response. I heave in a large shaky breath, running a hand through my hair, then I get up and run out of the room, and down the hallway.

My hands pounds on the door so loudly and incessantly, I'm sure it wakes up the whole house. But at this point, I could care less, I just want someone to help him.

"Seunghyun? is everything ok?" Hyun Suk answers the door, and one look at my face causes worry to flash in his eyes.

I shake my head and point at Ji and my room, unsure if my voice is stable enough to say anything, but that's all I need because Hyun Suk takes off in the direction, faster than I've ever seen him move. I'm quick on his heels though, and I steer him to the bathroom, when he slows down inside the room.