Letting love in (GTop)

Thank you for loving me

~Jiyong~

"Who's Seungri?" Seunghyun questions cautiously.

My body tenses and my chest tightens to the point of almost being painful. I had no idea why, but i never expected this to come up with Seunghyun, i guess in the back of my mind i knew i would have to explain one day. Seungri was to big of a part of my life for it not to come up. Still though, i was shocked to actually hear this question come from his lips.

"H-he... i-i, you see.." i stumble trying to answer the best i can, but the words just won't seem to come out. I've never had to explain this before, everyone around me already knows who Seungri is, and i've never had to talk about it. Even Dr. Park never makes me talk about him, and i'm thankful for it because i understand now, it's a lot harder talking about my brother than i've ever imagined. "h-he's my brother" i whisper and let my eyes fall to the bed.

"Oh, another sibling, is he older? Does he go to collage like Kyuhyun and that's why i haven't met him?" Seunghyun asks not seeming to grasp my struggle.

I shake my head "no, Seungri isn't... here anymore"

"Here? what do you..." he breaks of mid sentence, finally grasping what i was trying to tell him.

"Oh.. i'm sorry Ji. I didn't know, you've never talked about him before." His face is once again riddled with guilt over something he didn't do.

Suddenly i'm caught up on a feeling of wanting to tell Seunghyun everything, about Seungri, about what it was like growing up together, about how much i love him. I have never once wanted to talk about Seungri, not because i didn't trust anyone enough to talk about it, but because it was to painful to talk about. I have also come to recognize, that my dislike for talking about Seungri was because i have this weird selfish, possessiveness over him. Who he really is, the person that comes out when we were alone.

No one knew Seungri like i did, in school he was quiet and reserved, and he kind of faded into the background, refusing to make waves. But when it was just us, on our rooftop hideaway, Seungri was a completely different person and i want to keep that person to myself, hide him away from the rest of the world, keeping him locked inside my heart and head, where no one can touch him, where no one can damage my beautiful innocent boy. But Seunghyun, as always, is different. I want to tell him about Seungri, i want him to know who Seungri really was, and i want him to love him as much as i do.

"Seungri and i grew up together, we were the product of our fathers first marriage, the one before he married Hwa Yun and started another family" I specify.

Seunghyun breaths in finally understanding, and i swear i can almost see the pieces literally clicking together in his head. "Did he... was he like you?"

I swallow the thickness in my throat that has slowly started to form, and I lick my overly dry lips. "Yes, he was abused just like me."

He reaches out and places a hand over mine. "You don't have to talk abut him if it's hard for you."

I feel the corner of my lips twitch. "No, i want to tell you Seung."

Seunghyun squeezes my hand and gives me an encouraging nod. "Okay, then i'm listening."

I prepare myself, taking in all of the oxygen that i need to clear my head, then clearing my throat of any thickness that had been building up, before i begin "Seungri's a couple of years younger than me, so when we were little, i kind of always took care of him, taking over the role that my mother had failed to fulfill. So i guess by the time we were teenagers, i kind of forged this parental love for him... for as long as i can remember it was just him and me. We laughed when the other laughed, we cried when the other cried, and was the only thing that held importance to each other. Seungri knows me better than anyone, and i know him the same. It was an 'us against the world' type of relationship, you know?" Seunghyun smiles and nods telling me that he understands, prompting me to continue. "When my stepfather started beating us at a young age, i always stepped in to take the punishments meant for Seungri until he got older and made me stop. I even took the sexual abuse so Seungri wouldn't have to. I always promised him that i would take care of him, and that i would always protect him... but i guess i failed in that." i stop and look up to find Seunghyun staring at me, listening intently to what i was saying. I know he has a habit of seeing red and tuning out when i start talking about my stepfather and the things he did to us.