Letting love in (GTop)

Come back home

~Jiyong~

It still has the stuffy old smell that I remember, but it doesn't look the same. This place was ran down, even back then, but now the building looks ready to collapse at any second. It's clear why this place has been condemned... but it doesn't stop me from going inside. It's almost like a magnet is pulling me in, something needs me to go into this place, there's something i need to find.  The second I pull open the door it shutters and shrikes in objection, before finally giving in and allowing me just enough space to squeeze inside.

It's a short, familiar walk to the large crumbling staircase, a walk that i dreaded every day till i was taken from this place, and it's almost sickening how easily that sense of dread creeps back up on me. Climbing these stairs though, almost feels comforting I'm it familiarity, but at the same time makes me want to vomit due to the ominous twisting  knot in my stomach that takes on its own reminese.

I allow my hand to trace over the metal railing as I make my way to the top floor, noticing how the steady pounding of my feet against the steel is becoming more and more intolerable with each step, almost like the loud thumps are mocking the beating of my heart.

All too quickly I stand at the end of the hallway leading down to the front door of the tiny apartment I once called home. 'no, it was never home, it was never a place I called home' my head hisses at me, reprimanding the thought of giving this place such an undeserving name.

I take a hesitant step forward, my feet feeling heavier and heavier the closer I get to the door. An intense pressure pushes on my chest, making me feel breathless, and seconds away from collapsing. I almost feel as if i'm moving through some unknown force, and it's only reason for existence is to keep me from going inside that apartment.

But I push through it, my mind choosing to power over my fears for once, allowing me to finally reach the door, staring at the wood as if it has a soul of its own, standing there judging me for all of the things it saw over our years together. I can almost see the look of disgust and pity it would have if it had a face, and i almost thank the heavens it doesn't. I've had enough of that look for one lifetime.

I reach out and place my hand on the once smooth, but now rough and splintered wood. My palm slides down, till my fingertips brush the doorknob, shaking slightly at the sight of the object that separates me from my own personal hell.

In the back of my mind, I hear those screams, I hear Seungri's voice pleading at anyone, anything to help him and make what was happening to him stop. That voice that spikes such panic inside of me, because I know what it was like, how it felt to once scream those words, to wish for someone to step in and save me.

I remember that day, I remember coming home late and the shame I felt in my heart for how much I wished I had stayed at school for a little while longer, to take the long way home, anything that would have prevented me from seeing what I was about to find on the other side of this door.

I grip the knob tightly, turning it, and pushing open the door, surprised that it opens with barley any force on my part. A strong smell of dust and decaying wood fills my nose immediately, causing me to cringe away from it, my lunge screaming at me in protest against the level of irritants swirling into them.

I cough and wave my hand in front of my face, letting my eyes adjust to the dank living area that meets my eyes. I take a deep calming breath pushing away every single memory of things that have happened in this living room... it's funny, I think the good memories haunt me more than the bad ones.

"Did you ever think you'd be back here?"

I sigh, letting my eyes lower to the ground "i thought i'd see you again, before i saw this apartment"