Letting love in (GTop)

Say something, i won't give up on you

~Jiyong~

Well here I am, once again, after all these years, after everything I've been through, this is where I end up, right back where I started.

I stare out the window in my room, watching the rain pat lightly against the window, the gray sky outside mimicking the numbness I feel in my chest. And yet still everything aches, pain pounds through my body with a resolved destructiveness.

Seungri's really gone now, and his absence is ripping into me. Once one wound is healed, a new fresh, deeper one takes its place. It feels like this knowledge, this pain of losing Seungri is slowly moving through my body and tearing it to shreds, exposing the parts that I didn't know could hurt. Slowly carving into me like a pumpkin, destined to be something terrifying and hallow once finished.

The sad part is I'm not despondent, I'm not a shell, though I feel empty. I talk when talked to, I sleep an acceptable amount of hours a night, I express the correct emotion at the proper times (excluding smiling or laughing), and I even eat when presented with food.

But all of these actions are done on autopilot, all of these actions are without meaning, without life.

They aren't forcing me to talk, though I know their desperation to hear the truth is only growing by the day. It's been a week since I've found out the truth and I just can't seem to find the words to say.

A part of me also doesn't want them to know, doesn't want them to be subjected to this awful truth. This feeling, this hell I'm going through, this hell brewing inside of me. How can I do this to my dad? How can I look him in the eyes, tell him how his little boy died, and shatter his heart?

I don't want to do this to him, I can't hurt him, I can't let him bare this weight, this pain. He's been through enough, he's always been so strong. How can I break him like that?

I close my eyes tightly and take in a deep breath. This isn't something I would ever wish on anyone, this is a plague that I've committed to quarantine myself with.

"Baby, are you ok? Do you have a headache?" Seunghyun asks, suddenly right beside me as if he has a built in Ji sensor, set to go off any time I show signs of physical or mental discomfort.

Seung has been my guardian angel this past week, he's tended to my every need, my every want, even ones I don't communicate out loud. Even last night, when his beautiful fingers were buried deep inside me, making me feel something other than pain and numbness for the first time in days. I never asked for it, I never even gave him some indication that I needed that kind of comfort, but he knew, he knew exactly what I was desperate for.

I sigh lightly and reach my arms out, much like a child would when they wish to be coddled. Seung chuckles at me, but complies to my request and picks me up, sitting down where I once was and secures me on his lap.

I burrow into Seung, letting his smell, his warmth sink into me, allowing me to take my first full breath in hours. It's been like this since we left the graveyard. It feels like I've just been waiting till I can get to Seung next, waiting for when I can feel his body against mine, his heartbeat syncing with my own, like he's the only life force keeping me alive.

"I feel like I'm relying on you too much recently, like I'm being too dependent on you" I say, expressing a concern that has been weighing on me.

Seung sighs and starts to rub my back "you need me Ji, and I'm here, there's nothing shameful in depending on someone"

I shake my head lightly, but choose not to argue on the subject "is everyone worried about me?"