INTERPRETER
Am allowed right?
There's always a part of me that is always asking that question
It's like an inner monologue except
There's never really any progress
I go back and forth with my shady self
Yeah I said it " shady" not shadow but shady
Because this back and forth shit is nothing but an excuse to avoid facing the real problems in my life
So I tell myself your getting better just keep doing what your doing girl
At one point you'll be all good
But you see that's where the shady part come's in
I know am in a really dark place but am not willing to let go of this dark place because am afraid I might lose the only thing that ever held meaning in my life even if it was not useful to my progress as a person
So yeah it's shady
But at the end of the day am only cheating myself
You see often at times we cheat ourselves into thinking we're when we know we're not
And when we don't become better
we have no one to blame but ourselves
And so the cycle begins once more
This is an inner monologue of a mental health patient with PTSD. I will be referring to the two different personas as 'Light' and 'Depression'.
LIGHT MONO
I hate you
You always so damn depressed
Why can't you just be like other people
Be happy
It's not that difficult
I now that bitch told you that it is but it isn't
And for the love of God; love yourself
DEPRESSION MONO
Oh boy here we go again
Is she giving you the whole love yourself speech
She is full of cheap crap
Remember that time when she told you to get up on stage and sing for whole the school and how she left you stranded on the stage and everyone was laughing at you
Yeah
Cheap Crap
When was the last time you guys celebrated something good you and the so called light
Cause as far as I can remember
Am the only one who motivated you to stay safe
To stay in bed
Avoid crowds
Don't talk to people
And keep a low profile
Look how far we've come you and I
Twenty five years
Now some marriages don't even last that long
But you and I have been kicking it for this long
LIGHT MONO
Now hold
Hold up
twenty five years
Now that's a lie you only started kicking it when she was five
Yeah the time when she started seeing traumatic events happening at a very young age
That's when you kicked in
You and your fears
Your bottled up battles
You low self esteem
Everything about you is dark
Why can't you see your not good for her
DEPRESSION MONO
Ey ey it is not my problem that they never gave her therapy
They should have gotten rid of me when she was still young
I only stuck around cause nobody bothered to chase me away
And you know what's funny
No one noticed the personality change
They all just believed that it was a fase
Can you believe it
A fase
I mean she wetting her blankets for Christ sake
Sucking her thumb like it was a giant lollipop
She even started moving around the neighbours smelling like urine and shit and they still didn't notice
So don't blame me for sticking around
Am only a result of neglection and trauma
LIGHT MONO
That's exactly my point
your nothing but a ball of pain and struggle and you bring her no good
So the best thing you can do is let her go
DEPRESSION MONO
What you don't think I've tried
I tried
So many times
But every time I do
She breaks down then she comes back to me
And then I feel sorry for her and I hold her in my arms again
I don't want to be here any more than I should be
LIGHT MONO
Why can't you see your nothing but a drug to her
An escape root for her
She has never felt any form of relief in her life because she has been stuck with you
You are depression
A state of mind that tells the body and mind that there is absolutely no form of happiness out there in the world for her
You wrap your arms around her as if protecting her from the world when it's you she needs protection from
You drive her to leave all her friends and family
She could kill herself while she's with you
I mean if we could the number of times she's tried to end it all we could never even reach INFINITY
Every waking moment of her life with you is darkness
DEPRESSION MONO
Ok, that's it
I am a safe space
Ok
A parachute
A lake of bubbles that she can fall on without hurting herself
And as for her family and friends
They do nothing for her except worsen her state of mind
And then they deny ever playing a part in her mental health issues
They are nothing but toxic for her
LIGHT MONO
Yeah well the same family you call toxic are the very people who care about her and only want her to be happy
They may not always express it in the best way but they try
They never leave her stranded
At least not for too long
DEPRESSION MONO
Did you just say "never"...
She's been living in the city alone for over a year. The closest people she has to home are over a thousand miles away. And as for those that are living in the city with her
They don't bother checking in on her. She's alone, and she's scared.
What do you want me to do.
Be cruel and leave her like everybody else does.
I won't do that
I won't break her spirit when there's nothing left in her to break anymore
Can't you see she's shattered
She's lost hope for life
I at least keep her hanging on this thin thread of living in isolation
What have you done for her
Tell me
What?
LIGHT MONOLOGUE
You isolate her in a place where she's vulnerable to evil and wickedness
You put her in a cell of pain
And endless heartbreak
Greedy wicked men play with her heart because they can see how vulnerable she is
You give her headaches, malnourish her, take away her light, put her in a state where no one wants to be around her
She becomes heavy when she's with other people
A burden to the world
So let her go
Your not making her better
Or keeping her safe either
Your killing her fire
Let her go
so I can hold her up.
