I tasted death on the tip of my tongue
Yesterday
It was a fowl bland texture of uneven grains of river sand
The odour of dead carcasses rose from the back of my mouth and into my nostrils
It was revolting
Who's body is that?
hanging loose like a rag doll on a rope
Who's child could that be?
Does anyone know his name?
I looked straight into all their eyes
And their eyes looked back at my mine
And not a word was said
They were all silent
Each peaked at me and said nothing at all
To them this was humiliating
Even our distant relatives were ashamed
They could not even come in to see my body
Our neighbors didn't seem to mind the ceremony
At least the tea was hot and had milk too
Please tell them to stop singing
They'll wake me up
It's horrific
Even my half deaf grandmother can't stand the noise
Mother does my sister know that I am dead?
Does she mourn for me?
I see the tears rolling down your cheeks
Do you feel pain?
Because I did not feel it
Not in that moment
In that moment
I was peaceful and sad
I was empty and free
What did my uncle say?
Does he comfort you?
Or does he say I was an ungrateful child ?
I apologise in his place
Father you seem speechless
I am sorry for your loss
I wonder who comforts you
When you are running the funeral.
Have you had your tea yet
You seem tired
The creases around your eyes and the heavy eyes bags tell a story of loss
I apologise for my cowardly actions
May your heart heal and forgive me.
Rest, am at peace now
To my ancestors
I am sorry to be joining you so early
I hope you accept me
The world you placed me in rejected me
I hope I will be reborn as the ocean in my next life
My family will be all the animals in the waters and the plants would be my food
I would adapt to every environment
And it would take a lot of effort to put an end to me
At least four in every five families in black communities forbid the discussion of suicide
We don't talk about it
We don't say anything about the deceased taking their own life
It's a taboo
A silent one
No one will tell you it is
You are deemed as cursed in your next life if you take your own life
No one cries and no one bids you farewell
At least some believe these are the traditions
How the family survives such a tragedy
Will determine their social standing in the community for generations to come
Because you see
We are broken inside
We are crippled to the core
And the only way out of this is love
We need to learn to love each other
But first we need to love ourselves
It's not easy
Loving is never easy
I believe it's the hardest thing on this earth
Because even at death we are required to love
Nothing else matters if there is no love
It's the life force coursing through our blood
It's the quiet scream of harmony we hear in our minds when we cover our ears and shut our eyes
It's the soft beat of our hearts as we dance to rhythm
We were made out of love
And there is no way we can survive without it
Love may be scary, but it is also beautiful
But above all it is necessary
Truths 25
