I don't have what it takes to be a super star
But I do have the ability to be an emperor
Am not a famous person
Am below average
Some people say am insignificant
But the very same people are trying so hard not to think about me
See there is power in thought
That not even the feeble imagination of a grown up child in the body of a grown up person can compare to
What you think about today is played out in your actions even when you don't intend it to
And most of the time we try so hard not to be our thoughts
But when we don't put effort into controlling our own thoughts
What makes us think we can control out actions
I walked alone in the cold one day and stared at the night sky and never got to understand why the moon seemed so unbothered by the vile acts of its children
It's seemed so carefree like the life on planet earth was just that
Life!
When I was seven I saw the man I called my uncle attack my sister in the bathroom and attempt to rape her
She ran away and never spoke about it
And when I was eight my cousin chased me in the forest when we were out fetching firewood and shoved his thick dirty fingers inside my private parts
I bleed unnaturally and cried alone in the bathroom as I washed myself
Then when I was ten my math teacher tried to bribe me into having sex with him for a plate of dried fish
I was terrified of him
But most of all
I was terrified for my young sister
I don't cry anymore
I don't know how
Am numb from all of it
This is not real
I would say
I convince myself this world was not real
Because that was the only way I could ever fall asleep
Then I turned twelve and I thought of killing myself
But I was afraid of leaving my young sister behind
So I stayed strong
But then I turned thirteen and I got my first period and my boobs got bigger so all the boys in the school started staring at me
I felt stalked
I begun to create all these bizzar incidents in my head of what if.
What if I was left in the classroom with the boy from the second window
Would he also try to touch me
What if I could not run and he held me down
What if it happened again
Would it be worse that before
Should I say hello
Or should I just leave
But then again he is not my uncle or my cousin
So why am I terrified of him
Then I went on to being fourteen and I saw my best friend get raped by her boyfriend and his friends
She got pregnant and told her parents she got drunk at a party and had sex with a stranger
Then I turned fifteen and had my first crush
I hated myself
I hated my crush
But I liked him as well
I hated the thought of sex and still wanted to be normal so I pretended I was
But then I turned sixteen and came to realise that all I went through was normal for any black kid living in a broken society
And I hated it.
