You mesmerize me
You intrigue me
Cloud my judgement on self respect
I used to hate you after you and I were intimate
But then I would still want you
You would engulf my whole being
Make me beg for you to come
And when you would
My whole body would lose control
You would have me and I would surrender to you
I remember when I was 12
When I first had a taste
You were bitter sweat
A strange feeling
I was perplexed and hateful at the same time
But above all I was ashamed
I suppose this was what
It was supposed to feel like
I always wondered why I could never get an orgasm when having sex with any of my exe's
I always thought there must be something wrong with me
But I realized they could never get me in the right mood
Or maybe it was all me
I always hated how they lied and spit crap about their boring lives before getting intimate with me
They seemed lost when it came to me
And I was lost as well
So without the foreplay
We often just went for it and
I can't emphasize enough the necessity of getting to know someone
And putting them in the right mood before sex
Because when you don't
You end up having sex with a rag doll
They will be just laying there waiting for you to finish and get off of them
And then after that they will either want you to leave and never see you again
Or they will pretend they enjoyed it too and I have to say
As straight women we often try to protect a frail men's sex ego's
When we should be taking care of ourselves first
We neglect our own needs for proper sexual intimacy and we settle for immature grown men with horrible intimacy skills.
Then we complain of not being loved
It's truly a shame
I for one have been no exception in this area of life
I've never really enjoyed having sex and yet am 25 and expected that I should know and be comfortable enough to enjoy it
But am not
I am still terrified of being touched by a stranger
But I want to know what it feels like to be touched right
Most of us have no Idea what it feels like to be touched right
We don't allow ourselves to feel anymore
We are filled up with tension and past traumas we don't talk about
And its what's driving the hot flashes
The Mini panic attacks and so forth
And maybe it's because we were touched by the wrong hands at a certain point in our lives
But we don't get the help we need and still expect to be okay about everything life throws at us
We are wounded and still expect our bodies to be able to run this race called life
You can't fix someone else when you are not fixed inside
You can't heal someone else when your still heavily wounded
We need to learn to heal first before we attempt on being doctors to other people
I was six when I was touched by the wrong hands
Even to this day I still hate it when someone pins me down or just stands too close for comfort
It takes me time to open up to someone
I have to be careful not to project my emotional traumas onto them and chase them away before they even know what it feels like to stay
I normally end up single after a month of trying to get to know someone
Am bad at relationship
And weirdly enough
I still love sex.
Because despite all of that
I want to live
And in this modern day of living
I want to experience all the good things life has to offer including good consensual sexual intimacy.
That's my side of the story anyway.
Truths 25
