Erasure and Affirmation (Hypernaturals 11)

Bad Night

Jessica liked Tobey's grasp of the situation.

Tobey knows about how we work inside the family better than most because of Helen and I and the plans for the joint baby project. "Exactly right, Tobey. It doesn't work, and not on any level. Not on my list. Having sex with someone who is not on my list makes me a lousy cheating spouse. I know that in Ninovan that concept has little meaning, but in the outside human world it does, and in my marriage, it does. It does not matter that Morgan and Adrain knew I was going to do it ahead of time. It does not matter at all that they were there when I opened my fool mouth. I was going to fucking cheat on them right in front of them. That may be better than behind their backs, but only a little. They heard and did not say it was OK. They granted me no onetime exception to get fucked by a walking, blathering dick. Helen was not there to say anything about it one way or the other, although if she HAD been there and heard that, she would have kicked my ass. The only permission I had was the implicit and later explicit permission to learn from the worst mistake in my Vampire life."

Jessica looked around to see if she is losing anyone on this. They all looked interested. "I wish Helen had been there to stop me. I don't blame Morgan or Adrian for not intervening. I am a big girl, and they were willing to let me make this mistake because they knew how much I would regret it. It's hard to go from being treated like a goddess and a gift to being treated like female body parts hanging in the store window on the bargain rack. To suddenly be treated like an animal you dislike. From being with intelligent, loving, caring people who you love to share your body with, to being with a lowlife scummy womanizing user that did not deserve a second of my fine self."

"You are Gaia." Angel said. "I love it when you share all of you with me."

"You deserve me. I deserve you. Alexander did and does not." Jessica replied.

Tala looked at her daughter as if she is trying to read her. I think she may have not understood the pansexuality that is Angel as deeply as this exemplified. Not that Jessica and Angel get together all that often, but they do.

Jessica continued her narrative. "Even as I was tearing myself down with my pride over my commitment, Morgan was already planning how to put me back together after I fucked up. Morgan told Alexander that both Adrain and herself would be present while the intimate fanging instructions were given. They would be there to be sure I was not hurt. I am cheating on Morgan right in front of her, and she is worried about me. I loved the hell out of how much she loved me at that moment. I do not think I understood as I should have the depth of her love until that exact second. I hated this whole idea at that point, and I hated me."

"Morgan was in charge of me then. I was lost in my head. She was figuring out how to be the heart of us all." I commented, recalling my dazed confusion.

"Adrian is smart, and he knows when to follow Morgan's lead." Jessica said. "Once the fanging is over, do I get to leave? No. Alexander pushes that damn dick he loves so much into me. Does not ask. In his eyes, my legs are already spread, so why not? The moment Alexander does that, I start flashing back to when I was laying there while another person I despise is fucking me. The helpless human and the hated husband. If you ever wondered where the negative connotation to the word 'fucking' comes from, it is stuff like this."

"Oh... god..." Simi looked and sounded ill.

"The difference with goddamn Alexander is that I offered him a single sex act. I never offered sex to my husband. He took it and felt it was his right to do so. To his very minimal credit, Alexander is not taking pleasure in my pain and my hatred and my self-humiliation, either. Yes, I am in pain. I was not ready for vaginal sex because I was not interested in or excited about any of it. Alexander does not even notice. The difference between sex filled with hate for me, and self-involved sex. A guy settling because he agreed to do this for money from my parents versus a guy notching his bedpost."