My Philophobia G.D.

45

I've been staring at the fishes that are over the glass of this beautiful room.
As I keep on remembering what we had last night I move my eyes to my wrist, that is on resting on her belly.
I smile at the thought that after we gave eachother these beautiful gifts, we came in this room and I asked her to be my girlfriend.

Her body moves and, after she turns her head towards me, she opens her eyes.
"morning" I smile and she smiles back at me,covering her face with her hands.
I move her hands and she looks at me "you look beautiful with just a chain on you" I look at her body up and down.
She notices that the only part of her body that is covered is her intimate area.
Her breast is covered by my big arm now, and my wrist is near her collarbone. Matching our chains.
"today is the last day" she changes the subject.
"unfortunately" I caress one breast.
"you'll see your dad soon" she reminds me.
I want to see my dad and help him go through this hard moment of his life.
Being with Hailee helped me because I thought about him a lot and I talked to Hailee about him.
She is so understanding and she always knows what to say. She says to me what u need to hear and I feel strong and ready somehow.

"are you coming with me to New Jersey?" I ask her.
"uhm, I think you should go with Ethan, have some time alone with him and your family. I'll come before Christmas with my brothers and Kylie"
"fine...I want you to meet my dad again. I want him to know you before he leaves." she looks at me and moves her body to face mine.
"Gary, you shouldn't talk like he's going to leave you for sure. Maybe he'll get better. You need to be positive about it, maybe he is going to be strong like he was the first time he had to face this sickness."
She's right, I talk about my dad like he  is already dead. I know I shouldn't, but I just like this is his moment to not suffer anymore.
" I don't really want to talk about this now. It makes me feel so weak that I don't want to ruin this last day"

While I look at her, thinking about my dad, she moves once again and her tummy meets the blankets under her. I see her tatto again.
"what does this mean?" I look at her spine, making my index finger travel on it.
She looks at me and when I look at her eyes it looks like she doesn't like the question, but she surprises me by talking.
"I had a dog...I found him on the day before Christmas. While I was going home from the grocery store, I found him on the road alone. When I got near him he was shaking because of the cold snow.
I took him home and he was my best friend. I was 14 when we met each other. He was just a little puppy. We only left each other when I left for school in the morning.
When I came back home crying, he jumped on my bed and hugged me, just like a person never did and I used to fall asleep with him near me. He knew all my secrets and the secrets of my house.
When I moved to L.A. I couldn't take him with me because I left in a moment when my situation didn't low me to do that.
We didn't see eachother for two months and one day my brother called me, saying he found him dead in my bedroom bed. He didn't wait for me to take him home with me and he flew away from me just like the petals of a rose do. He only ate when I gave him food and slept when I was home. When he used to see me in the backyard, after coming from school, he used to wait for me at the entrance. I felt him and I was the reason of his death. His name is Ocean"
When she said his name I heard her voice shaking.
She said his name like he is still alive.
Her eyes don't have any emotions, I try so damn hard to read something in them, but it just doesn't work.
When she tells me soemthing about her life, there are parts that she mentions that make me want to know her more. She said 'in a moment when my situation didn't low me to do that.'
What does that mean?
Even if I want to know what she hides I feel like she is never going to do that before she feels to.
"why did you name him Ocean?" I try to give her time to talk to me without me putting pressure on her, but I just want to know more about her.
Ocean...it is a really uncommon name for a dog.
"when I tried to pet him for the first time, he was afraid of me. The first time I saw the ocean during a storm it became my biggest fear. I wanted to not be afraid of the ocean anymore and I thought that calling my best friend by the name of the thing that scared me the most wuold help me overcome it. "
" did you overcome it? "I ask like. Baby that is listening to the story that his mom tells him before giving him the goodnight kiss.
" he left before I could "she says looking at the pillow.
"you were afraid of loosing control because you were in the ocean yesterday, weren't you? "
I feel like I'm getting to know soemthing about her but I also feel like I am asking too much and I am afraid that she won't like it. She never likes talking about her.
" no, I'm not afraid of loosing control because I'm the ocean. I'm afraid of loosing control of my body" she is being honest and she is not looking into my eyes.
"you control your body?" I ask, how can she control it?
"yeah"
"why?" I want to know the reason behind it. I know nothing about her besides what she just told me now, and I think that it is impossible to feel something so strong without knowing her.
"what time is it?" she asks. Is this a joke? I'm asking something about her and she just avoids the question?
"are to u serious now?" I ask holding my body on my elbows.
"yeah" she answers like nothing happened.
"Hailee, we have been dating for a month now, I had sex for the first time with you, which mean too much for me, I talked to you about my dad, I cried for him in front of you and after a month I'm feeling something for a perosn that is basically a stranger to me at this point. The only thing I know about you is that you already decided to end this thing between us by writing something in a piece of paper. Is this a game to you? "
I tired to tell myself to take this slow and give her time, to make her feel free to tell me soemthing about her when she feels ready, but even when it is the perfect timing to talk about her she makes me feel stupid, she leaves me there like a dog that didn't deserve his treat.
I know what I feel for her... I'm not a kid, but at this point it is also about respect.
I need to know who I let come into my life. She just tells me that she'll leave me with a letter and wants me to do nothing about it " I don't known how you ended up in L.A.,I don't know who your family is, I never saw even a picture of them" I take a deep breath "I only know that you're hurt thanks to a song that you didn't even let me read or hear. If you need your control I want to help you but how can I do that if I don't even know why you need it?"