My Philophobia G.D.

33

I decide to go outside and try to calm down. I've been trying to not take the pills for somedays but this doesn't work. Even if I know I have to take them I need to control my body by myself. I know my body better than a doctor does.

I sit on the edge of the pool and put my foot into the water.

This is the worst part of this transitional moment. I can do this, I always find a way out.
I need to check if I gained weight.
I've been eating so much with Grayson these last days. I look at my legs, place my hands around one of them and my legs look so fat.
I feel like I need to throw up.
I run into the bathroom behind the house, pull my hair back and feel free to throw up.

I wash my mouth, look at myself in the mirror and decide to go back inside.

Noah scans me as I walk into the room. I sit and smile at Jack.

"Is Grayson sleeping over?" he asks.

"Yeah, he is"

He smiles and claps his hands. I see throgh the grey curtains the lights of a car entering the driveway of the backyard. It must be Kylie.

After some minutes she opens the door, struggling on carrying the bags.

I go help her "I thought you were buying just some snacks" I joke.

"These are all snacks actually" she laughs. We place the begs on the counter and get back in the livingroom.

Kylie starts talking to Chloe, Gray is talking about some shoes that Noah wants to buy and Jack is watching cartoons on the macbook.

I feel alone. So many people around me and I feel alone.

"Hey guys, what about a karaoke challenge?" Chloe asks.

"Oh yeah, I'm in"Noah says.

"Me too" Gray says and so does Kylie.

"Hailee?" Chloe asks.

"I'll do the judge with Jack" I say, trying to avoid the whole thing.

"No, come on, you have to sing"she says.

"I always do that. I'll judge" I smile.

"Okay"she answers singing.

Grayson and Noah both look at me. I smile and Grayson looks away while Noah is making sure that I'm okay by looking at me.

After 10 minutes everything is set up and they are all ready to start the game. Boys vs girls.

I look at them but my mind is somewhere else. Not in a specific moment or place. It is just not here.

They are all singing and I'm looking at them. I don't even smile at how they are having fun.

30 minutes later left the night, other 30 minutes left the night again and it is now 7 p.m.

I've been listening to familiar voices, laughs, screams and I still feel no emotion. It is like my mind is shutting down.

"Okay Chloe. It is time to go home" Noah says turning the volume of the music down.

"Yes, you're right. Let's go"

They leave and we all go back into the house.

"I'm taking the dirty dishes to the dishwasher" Kylie says.

"Thank you"

"What are we going to eat?" she screams while she reaches the kitchen.

"I want pizza"Jack jumps on the sofa.