My Philophobia G.D.

51

Hailee's POV.

I couldn't wait a week. It's the 12th of december and I'm getting on a plane that will take me to New Jersey. Maybe Kylie was right...Grayson doesn't know my secrets and I can't blame him for feeling something that I don't want him to feel. I know that I did the wrong thing,I know I hurt people and I know that I'll hurt him the most,but there is something that doesn't let me let him leave.

I hate who I am and I tried so many times to change that,but everytime I do, my past comes back in every setp I take. It is like a baby that starts taking his first steps:he'll feel free,he'll want to experience new things and won't be bale to stop. In this case my past became something necessary for me in everything I live. 

Sometimes I want Grayson to know more about me,but right when when I feel ready...I think that if he knows what I've been through he'll be afraid to have something more with me. He wuold have to deal with my mood switchings, with my extreme privacy, my past and worst of all...my family. I know that he is the one that has to decide  what he wants to do, but  since I was a little girl I started feeling the need to keep people away from me ,because I know that it wuold hurt them and I don't really want to hurt anybody...that's the only way to keep people safe.

"have a nice trip" I hear the voice from the speaker say when I realise that the airplain takes off.

I remember about what Noah told me before leaving the house: "don't hurt him". I don't want to hurt him but how can I avoid that, when I don't even realise that I am doing it?

Before I could read Grayson's texts I asked Ethan to send me the adress of their home so I could meet Gray, but he actually told me that he wuold come pick me up, and I guess that he'll be waiting for me at the airport. After talking to him,I checked Gray's messages...he sent me 120 messages. For the first 4 days he kept on asking me what was going on  minute by minute, he thought about the most abstract things! After those 4 days he started to just write "goodmorning" and "goodnight"and I actually felt the tears forming in my eyes...he remembered me every morning when he woke up and everynight before he could fall asleep. I was on his mind.

As I keep on reading those simple messages,I think that I don't desearve him.I can only imagine how he felt because of me, and that's why I can't wait to talk to him and ask him to forgive me for what I made him go through.

It will take me 5 hours till I get to New Jersey and meet his hazel eyes, that will make me forget how to talk, which means that I'll have a lot of time to think about how I'll face him.

I rest my head on the window of the plane an let the hours travel with me. After 5 hours of thoughts, words and melodies travelling in my head the plane lands and, as I walk towards the exit, I look around me to find Ethan.
I keep on looking for that face that looks like the guy who remembers me every morning and every night, and finally I hear Ethan's voice.
"Haileeee, I'm here!"I walk towards him and hug him.
"heeyyy EEE! How are you!" I smile.
"I could be better,how are you? " he hugs me, while rubbing his hand on my hair.
"fine,nervous,okay? I don't really know . What's wrong?" I ask, worried. It is because of the situation thy're in...their dad. As I think about that, I realise how stupid I was.

I should've been there for them and mostly for Grayson and I just locked myself in a stupid room. What is wrong with me? How could I be so selfish and careless? Why did I leave the most beautiful and caring human being on earth alone when he's going through this shit?Why am I always late?

"dad's sick! Do you remember his hair?" he asks before starting the car. I nod my head while I put my seatbelt on and look at him. "he has no hair now!"

"that doesn't matter though...if he is feeling better and the treatments are working, than that is the last problem you have,your dad is such a beautiful person inside that even without his hair he looks handsome even outside Ethan."
"that's the point, he isn't feeling better...he has only one week left"I hear his voice starting to change before he could hide the fact that he was in a bad place. I don't really know what to say,I already fucked everything up once and I feel like I don't want to say or do something that could make me fuck everything up again.
"Gray once tolde me that the first time he found out he had cancer he had only a few months left...since then your dad fought against it and he won his first war and maybe he is strong enough to win this war too. I don't know your dad like you know him for sure, but I know that he was and still is the best dad you could ever ask for because one thing that I notice about him when Grayson told me about the first time he found out he was sick, was the fact that he described Sean as the man that always had that beautiful smile on his face.
He's strong and he's gonna make it because he has a beutiful family next to him that will help him more than anything"