Fire Whiskey in the Moonlight (Remus Lupin)

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Beauty and the Beast

I woke up the next morning in Remus's bed, curled up to him. We still had a lot to talk about, and I knew my friends would be worried about me. But I was so mentally exhausted from last night I couldn't find it in myself to get up. So instead, I moved in closer to Remus, breathing in his scent and relaxing in the safety of his arms. The idea that he could ever hurt me was insane. I guess that was the point though, he wasn't himself when he turned. I pushed the thoughts away, not yet ready to continue processing everything. I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

When I woke up again, Remus was gone. I rolled over but I didn't see him anywhere in the room. There was a note on the bedside table, scribbled in his chicken scratch 'Be back soon.' I decided to take a shower while I waited for him to come back. I stood under the water just letting it run over me and wash away everything from the past few days.

Remus was a werewolf. I closed my eyes and let the water hit my face, I was still having some trouble processing it. Part of me was mad at him for lying to me, for not telling me. So much of our relationship had already been shadowed by lies, we had fought some much about bending the truth. But I could still understand why he kept this from me.

What I couldn't understand was why he thought it would make a difference to me, why he thought I wouldn't want to be with him anymore. Of course, this complicated things and there was a part of me that was scared, but I loved him. It hurt me so much that he didn't have faith in me enough to tell me. I rinsed my shampoo, telling myself over and over that it wasn't me, that he had his own baggage which kept him from telling me. I'm sure others had been less than kind when they found out the truth in the past.

But I couldn't convince myself. I kept coming back to the thought that he should have known I'd stay. He knew everything about me, but this made me feel like he didn't know me at all, or he did and he just thought very little of me. Would he have ended things before telling me? It felt like he was trying to end things yesterday before he was called away by Snape. Did he really trust me so little that he would break up with me rather than tell me about his affliction? Know that I knew, would anything change between us, or would he still not be sure about me.

I couldn't shake my self doubt. No matter how many arguments  I came up with to counter what I was feeling, I needed to hear it from him. All I could do was speculate. I heard him come in and call for me before realizing the shower was running. I had finished but I stayed under the warm water for just a few more minutes before I could face him.

I walked out to see Remus sitting on the bed with french toast, pumpkin juice and a rose. He smiled when he saw me, "I thought you might be hungry when you woke up. We missed breakfast so I went down to the kitchens."

"And the rose?" I asked, as I pulled on a pair of Remus's sweatpants.

"It's the first step in my apology. I hated seeing you so upset last night."

I finished getting dressed and headed over towards the bed, I did my best to muster a smile. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared that I'd lose you."

"You almost lost me anyway, or did you forget about our conversation yesterday afternoon?" I really did try not to sound pissy, but I failed.

"I know, I was actually debating telling you about my condition before Snape called."

"What? But-"

He cut me off, "But I told you it may be for the best if you weren't here when I got back. I shouldn't have said that, it was fear talking. Part of me was thinking maybe it was fate that Snape had called when he did. Fate telling me you'd be better off without me. When you overheard Severus and I in my office, I had been already been debating what I was going to tell you the next time I saw you."