LASTLY, MY FIRST

Part 18 | Go With The Flow

LISA

The moment my father told me about Jennie at the red light district and that she is pregnant with another person, I felt so really bad. I decided to move my flight in an instant to confront my girlfriend.

I regret I forced  her to have sex with me when I arrived in Seoul. But I still couldn't believe the baby is not mine. That time, no explanation can ever enter my system right away. I was so hurt.

My father and I has been in good terms since I moved in here in Switzerland. He always talks to me and visits me from time to time. And there, one day, he told me about Jennie. But I was willing to take the responsibility even if the baby is not mine. I told my father about it and he made me realize it is going to be a stupid decision.

After Jennie broke up with me that night, I only stayed for Seoul for 3 days and went back to Switzerland.

My father still visits me from time to time and one day, he brought Miyeon with him.

I am lost. I am hurt. So I accepted his proposal again to give Miyeon and I a chance again.

Months have passed. I miss her. I miss Jennie. I miss my friends. But I am no longer in contact with them. But we are still friends in social media except for Jennie. Maybe she deactivated her account.

There's one time I saw Rosé posted a photo of Jennie at the hospital during her ultrasound. I don't know what I was feeling. But Jennie is still as pretty as she is. Still gorgeous even she's already pregnant. Pregnant with another man who for sure did not take the responsibility when it was him who is supposed to be with her during the ultrasound. That asshole.

I just hoped that Jennie would really find a man who can love her and make her happy. A man who is brave and will never leave her side. Not like me. I left her for this dream.

I also saw Jimin's posted video of Jennie's baby shower. So she's having a boy. How I wish I had a baby boy with her. It's a dream having a small kid with my features especially if it's a boy and I will name him Elijah.

But maybe it's time to move on. Time to move on from this fucking situation. I was so hurt. I have loved her so much. She is the only woman I have ever loved.

Miyeon. Yeah. So we have been dating for like 4 months. She already asked me to get married, and since I'm lost and fucking unconscious of the world sometimes because of this pain in my heart, I agreed. And yes, we are getting married this month.

My father is so happy hearing it and he is already looking forward to have a grandson from us since Nayeon and Hanbin are not yet married with their partners.

I don't know what life with Miyeon will bring to us. I'll just go with the flow. But there are still nights that whenever we have sex, I still imagine Jennie. I still think of Jennie. How I wish I could turn back time and pushed her through til I get her forgiveness. How I wish it's me who accompanied her to her check-ups. How I wish it's still her face I see in the morning and before I sleep at night.

So, the time has come. The wedding day. My parents are so happy. But I am not. My Aunt Malee and Uncle Sun didn't come to my wedding. Even Bam. They said they are busy, but I know the real reason. They don't like Miyeon for me. They always wanted Jennie. I can't blame them. Me too, how I wish this is Jennie I am marrying now. But life plays with us. We can't bring back time anymore.

Our honeymoon was in Paris. We are trying to be pregnant after a month since my father is already asking for it.

Months have passed and I still couldn't get Miyeon pregnant. So I came to realize, for so many times Jennie and I had great sex, I didn't make her pregnant. So, maybe I am infertile? It's possible because I am an intersex.

Miyeon just comforted me every time I feel bad not getting her pregnant. I really want to have a baby. Seeing Jennie's photos being pregnant makes me want to have one. Too bad, I want it with her. Especially now I am looking at their photos on Chanyeol's Facebook during her son's christening. I keep scrolling down. It's nice to see that they are still altogether and our friends are even Elijah's godparents.

"Wait! What? Elijah? She named her son Elijah?????" My eyes went big. I couldn't believe this.

I still keep looking at their photos and actually zooming in Jennie's face.

"The girl I have ever loved so much. I wish you all the best, Jennie. I really hope you will really be happy and achieved your dreams. I hope someday you can still finish your studies. It's your dream to become one of the best interior designers right?" I am talking to myself. How I really hope Jennie will achieve all her dreams.

I also tried to zoom Elijah's photos.

"Fuck. Why does he look like me on my baby pictures? Poor boy, he didn't get his mother's beautiful eyes. Jesus Lisa. The father must really look like you." I talked to myself again. I actually do not know what to feel. Maybe the time I was not around, Jennie found someone who looks like me. Ahhhh. Stupid Lisa. Stop it.

"But what if you are really the father, Lisa?" I asked myself. " But how come? You're infertile."

I turned off my phone's screen when I heard Miyeon calling me for dinner.

This is now your life, Lisa. Live with it.