LASTLY, MY FIRST

Part 32 | History Repeats Itself

JENNIE

The moment Lisa left the house and a kissed me in the lips, my body became foreign to me. No. It's not. It's like how I felt the first time we kissed in college. My chest is burning the whole night that I couldn't even sleep.

I took a glass of warm water from the kitchen and sat in the living room. I want to understand this. Those days of missing her. The warm sensation I feel when she's around and especially when our bodies touch. This drowning heart of mine everytime she smiles. And the love I feel every time our eyes look at each other. It tells something. Tells what Jennie?

Wait. Love?

Fuck. I am still in love with her.

No. No. You don't—don't feel good whenever you hear Suzy's name. Even the idea of her calling Lisa gives your heart a punch, Jennie.

"God. I am still in love with her. Your mind stopped but your heart tells otherwise." I told myself and sighed.

Instead of thinking about Kai, I think of her. Or should I say, you've always thought of her. You're just in denial. You're unfair to Kai, Jennie.

You taught yourself to love him even if you can't because you couldn't accept the fact that you're still in love with the person who hurt you the most. You were afraid to get hurt again. You're selfish. You said you have forgiven her. But why couldn't you forget? But she still understands your pain.

You must be thankful to Lisa, Jennie. You must appreciate her. We know what she did to you in the past shook your world that it even broke your knees in sorrow. But you have to see the brighter side of things now. Why you should be thankful to her too? She gave you a son. A son who is the source of your happiness. Your sunshine. Your Elijah. Lisa has already apologized to you a million times. You could even feel she regret everything she did and she is surely making a way to bring back your trust. She even courted you again. How can you be so dumb?

And numb.

Jennie, Lisa understood your process. She's even patient to you. You're mad, go on. You make her feel she's like a criminal for forcing you before, she felt it and she really admitted her mistake. You hurt her for having a relationship with Kai when she's already pursuing you, it was fine with her. She did not even took a step away from you and your son when you dumped her. Most importantly, she's the one who understood you lately. She's the only one who knows what you feel and how to deal with you until you're fine. She is actually making you fine, don't you see? Lisa is the only person you felt her support to you and even tells you that it's okay not to be okay.

We all make mistakes.

Because we are all stupid.

And being stupid sometimes is a beautiful thing. It creates eccentricity. Thrills. Excitement. Wanting.

Make a right decision. Be fair.

You love her. Go for it!

After talking to myself while sipping my warm water. I texted Kai. He is in a Daegu right now for a medical mission. I hope he is still awake.

"Kai, I know I have been harsh to you lately, and I don't want this to worsen. You deserve someone to love you, Kai. That is not me. I am really, really sorry. We can't continue this. We will be living in a lie if we force us to be together still. I am sorry."

After a few minutes, he called.

"Jennie, I don't understand. Are you breaking up with me?" He asked in his shaky voice.

"Yes, Kai. This is for our own good and I am really sorry. I can't lie to you and to myself anymore." I said while panting.

"No. Jen. We will fix this. Promise, I won't be controlling you anymore, Jen. Just be with me, Jennie." He is crying.

"Kai, it's not about that. I have been unfair to you and to myself. I can't take this anymore. I want you to be happy too. Please Kai." I said and tears start to fall on my cheek.

"Jennie, I am coming tomorrow. Let's talk."

I took a deep breathe. Went to bed and hugged my son while my tears can't stop falling. I am thinking of Kai and of Lisa too.

The next morning, I felt dizzy while preparing Eli's stuff as he is coming with Aunt Dara and Seulgi in the province to make use of his vacation from school. After they left the house, I ran to the bathroom because, god, I just puked my breakfast out.

I looked at my body in the mirror again and it's not the usual figure I have. I mean, I have been eating a lot lately. I mean, I am a heavy eater, but I don't easily gain weight not unless I'm..pre—

Pregnant.

Shit.

You were too complacent for not having a period for four months already because your menstrual cycle is irregular.

You were once pregnant, Jennie. You were once pregnant. How come you didn't notice it?

I prepared myself and called for a cab. I must be sure of this.

I got tested in the hospital. I took my lunch first at the canteen since the results will come out in an hour. I am nervous. What if I am really pregnant or what if I have some sickness due to my irregularity?

I went back to my OB for the results and she welcomed me back with a smile.

And. Fucking. Yes. I. Am. Pregnant. Again.

I am actually happy. Because, only a fool can't accept the joy a child can bring to this world. I mean, I am blessed again with another sunshine.

I went back home, lied in bed, closed my eyes for a moment and grabbed my phone.

I sent a message to Stacey that I won't be able to work for a while now. Told her I'm pregnant and she really understood the situation. She told me that after giving birth, if I still want to work at the strip club, she will still accept me with her arms open wide.

I have to send a message again. But not to Stacey.

To her.

"Lis, are you busy today? Can you come for dinner?"

She has to know. And I have to trust the fate this time.

She will accept it, Jennie. She's not the Lisa like before anymore.

But what if she is really dating that Suzy?

Ugh. Come what may. What's important is, she has to know.

The night has come and I already cooked dinner for Lisa and I. 

I rushed when the doorbell rang because , yeah, I am excited to see her.

But to my surprise, it's not her. It's him.

Kai.

Kai with red angry eyes.

He held my shoulders and gripped them tight.

"Kai. You're hurting me." I told him while he drags me to the bedroom.

"So this is the reason why you fucking don't want to have sex with me? If your Doctor, who happened to be my colleague didn't call to congratulate me for becoming a father, I wouldn't know." He is so angry but his tears are falling already.

"Kai. I didn't know too. It happened before we started dating."

He pushed me to the bed and started to unbuckle his belt.

This scene is familiar. Shit.