nyctophilia | J.JH

20.

20./strong heart

Haneul pov

I feel like everything is suffocating here.

My heart is aching so much it hurts.

This feeling what do you call it?

Fear?

I knew the reality simply sucks but I didn't know it will pain much as holding a knife with your bare hands.

With my trembling hands, I grab the glass of water beside my bed and drink it. Having another nightmare it's just so exhausting. Grammy health is just not better any better.

It's only dropping each day by day.

A sighed, came out from my mouth as I get out of my bed all the way to the kitchen. Making breakfast as usual I see Grammy sitting on her favorite chair. Even though she's sick she never going to leave that seat when I scolded her many times but her stubbornness just makes me helpless.

"Here's your breakfast and your medicine." I said keeping the tray near her.

"Thank you haneul." She said with a smile on her face looking all lively. I bite my lip as I look away from her.

I open my mouth to tell something to her but my words just get dried up making me more hesitant to speak. "I'm not changing my mind han." She said and my eyes widen for a second.

She knew me to well that she can tell what I wanted to tell from my face. "But it's better if you stay there than here!" I exclaimed with a  desperate look on my face.

But I already knew what her answer will be. A week ago our private doctor told it was best if she was admitted to the best hospital in Seoul. I was happy to hear that hope was still there but it didn't last that long. Grandma said she didn't want to go and all I can do was to look her in shock. She said she won't last that long and wanted to go with his husband in this house.

That time it felt like a dead-end to me. She already decided on her fate. Did I fail to be a good granddaughter?

"Haneul don't you worry about me my fate is already decided and I agreed to myself as well. So, don't think it's your fault." She said to me looking to my eyes with a loving matter. I clutched my fist control my tears with me blinking repetitively.

"B-b-but I will be lonely without you." My voice breaks in sadness as I lift my head.

"No, no you won't be alone." She said holding my hands with were warm making me feel a little calm. "No one is alone in this world we all have a someone call 'life' and because of that it makes you to live making you experience all different things happy or sad good or bad but making you never alone."

"So Haneul I know I always tell you but live your own life without anyone stopping." With that, I tears fall down not stopping I loved my grandmother more than anyone.

But I feel like laughing to myself. She knows that I wanted to live to share what normal people do in the world. A little in my heart wanted to go but little I don't.

Decisions are scary yet the path takes you where you want to go.

I sniff my nose as I clean the dishes. I feel a lot better like my heart is now open. Now I respect grandma's decision and mine too.

I wipe my wet hands and look to see yoonoh house empty. Yoonoh's family left a week ago because of her mother missing her son and became quite empty now.

I missed yoonoh so much.

The only thing I want is to be with his arms feeling his warmth. I let out a laugh as I remembered the time when he fell down because of snow.

It's was so cute when he's clumsy.

But I never expected that it will be the last time to hear his voice.

My heart is aching again. Why does happiness doesn't last that long?

A week already passed.

Yoonoh why haven't you called me?