Boundless Love

Humiliated

Levi's POV...

I'm not sure that I can feel anymore humiliated. I just pissed myself and didn't even realize it until I felt the warmth run down my leg and see it on my sheets. Now that I'm really thinking about it, things are going to become quite uncomfortable knowing that this guy Nate has to clean me up. I no longer feel like I am me, I'm a useless person who can't even use the loo on my own and I'm going to need to rely on strangers to clean up my mess. Fuck! I'm probably going to shit myself without knowing it! That better not happen!

"Hey man, I know this is really upsetting, but it will get better, we will get you on a schedule and this won't happen nearly as often as you think," Nate assures me.  "Usually in the hospital they would place an indwelling catheter, but here, we want to fully retrain your bladder. Less chance for infection this way," he adds. Just great.

I'm sure he sees the horrid look on my face. I'm too embarrassed right now to even speak. I wonder if he's equally embarrassed for me, although he is probably used to this around here. I want to just curse him out, yell at him, something...but instead, I lay here silently humiliated and stare out the window.

He starts to put the head of the bed down, so I am lying flat. "Sarah, my assistant is coming in to help me roll you and change the sheets, we need two people for this so we can move you while keeping your back straight, let me know if we are causing you any pain."

A young girl, probably in her early twenties enters the room. Her voice is bubbly, and she's smiling. What is she so happy about? Changing my soiled sheets is nothing to smile about.

"Hey Levi," she cheerfully says.

This fragile looking girl with long brown hair and big brown eyes is a bit too cheery for my liking right now, but I don't have any choice in the matter. I no longer have any choice when it comes to my body. They can leave me here in my own filth, for all I care, but that will not be an option for me. Everything I was once able to do is now gone, taken from me and I am left with nothing working.

Nate leans over me and positions one hand on the back of my right shoulder and one hand on my right hip and rolls me to my side, as the fragile- looking bubbly girl swiftly removes one side of the sheets and replaces it with a clean one. Nate then switches sides and rolls me the other way while Sarah does the same thing with the sheets on the other side of the bed. And just like that I am lying on clean sheets again. The process of changing my bed sheets was swift and painless, one thing out of this shitty mess that I can appreciate.

"Ok, let me know if you need anything else? Nice to meet you Levi," the girl says as she darts out of my room. Let's hope she doesn't come back in any time soon.

"I'm going to clean you up now and get you into some comfortable sweatpants and a shirt instead of this terrible hospital gown," Nate states.

Fuck! I feel my brows pinching together as I glare over at Nate. Just the thought of being fully exposed to this stranger as he cleans my dick and then dresses my limp body is putting me over the edge.

He must see the anguish rush over my face because he quickly starts to wash me with a warm washcloth and says, "This part will be easier if we focus on something else."

Pondering for a second, he then asks me, "What do you think of Charlie so far?"

"Charlie?" I question.

"Oh right, she probably introduced herself as Charlotte," he corrects himself.

"Some of us call her Charlie, she doesn't really prefer one over the other," he tells me.

As soon as Nate mentions her name, a rush of calm floats over me and I'm suddenly oblivious to the fact that Nate is putting a diaper on me. I don't have the strength to protest so I close my eyes and remember Charlotte's soft touch, the way she slowed my breathing down, the way she brought me to her eye level so I wouldn't feel so inferior. She's treated me as a competent human being instead of a hopeless freak. Nate is treating me in a similar fashion, not as gentle but he is straight forward, making me feel less inadequate. I can respect him for that.

Nate lifting me forward to put my shirt on wakes me from my soothing trance. I realize I haven't answered his question yet.

"She seems very kind," is all I say.

"Yes, she is probably the nicest, most caring and determined person I know." Nate happily exclaims. "She's also very stubborn and doesn't like to fail, so you're in great hands," he smiles.

"I'm finished, are you a little more comfortable now?" Nate asks me.

That was not as bad as I thought it was going to be, besides the fact that I'm wearing an incontinent brief; I'll ignore that for now. I nod my head and thank him.

"Good, I will let your family know they can come in now." Nate turns and walks out the door, leaving me alone with my troubled thoughts again.

I do feel a little better now that I'm in some comfortable clothes. I don't like this feeling of not being in control of my body.  I hate that Emma must see me useless like this. I need to know how she's feeling, what does she think of me? Will she still love me like this? How can she love a man who can't even move, can't even use the toilet, can't even hold her hand? I need her to love me, without her love, I have nothing at all.

I can't even get my hand to catch the tear I feel falling down my cheek again. I know Emma cares for me, but I don't know what this will do to her . She is very set in her ways and she has specific goals that she wants to achieve, and I already know she will not let anything get in her way.

The door opens and Emma, Mark and my parents somberly walk in. My mum doesn't seem to be crying anymore, which is a blessing. Emma rushes over to my side and grabs my right hand, I manage to give hers a little squeeze.

"I'm going to be ok," I try to assure her while forcing a smile.

"Yes, you are mate!" Mark blurts out from the corner of the room.

"I'm going to make sure you are all settled here, then I am going fix things over in London, get the movie wrapped up, this is a great place here, looks like you will be very busy," Mark rants off.

Mark continues again, " I will call every day and I will be back for a visit next weekend."

"Yeah, yeah, ok thanks mate," I reply. Realistically, he can't stay here, his job is very time consuming. But Emma...

I look over at Emma, "Are you going to stay?" I ask her.

            "Yes, I'm going to stay as long as I can, and I'm going to help you get better as quickly as possible so we can go back home." She grasps my hand tighter. Her words make my heart a little lighter.

"So are your mother and I," I hear my father chime in.

"Charlotte suggested a hotel close by for us, so we will be going there tonight to shower, eat and get some sleep," my mother finally utters.

They all hang around a little longer, staring at my motionless body, probably waiting for some part of me to miraculously move. No one says much of anything.  I think everyone is still too stunned to know what to say, and probably hungry and tired, so I suggest they head to the hotel.

I know they love me and want to stay and help me, but a part of them also wants to forget that the person they love is now crippled. I don't blame them, this is overwhelming for everyone.

My mum leans over and kisses my forehead and says, "I love you son." Emma plants her lips softly to mine and whispers, "I will see you in the morning." Then they all turn around and leave me desolate.

There is no use trying to hold back my tears. I'm not one who cries often, but here I am, wallowing in self-pity.