Boundless Love

Feeling Hopeless

Levi's POV...

The feeling of hopelessness consumes you until all rational thoughts or behaviors cease to exist. That's been my state of mind since the day Emma said goodbye.

After my irrational pool incident, Charlotte decided she wasn't going to let me out of her sight.

She stayed with me all night, looking over at me every so often, her eyes sincere, asking me if I'm alright.

I really didn't know what to say to her. I'm still in shock that she jumped in to save me and the fact that she didn't send me away to the psych ward. Maybe she will still, maybe that's where I need to be.

I will never give up on you... Her words burned into my soul, those words that keep playing over and over again in my head. I've never had anyone say those words to me before, the exact words I wished Emma had told me. Emma never gave me a chance to get better, she just gave up on me. Charlotte who I barely know is here for me, saving my life and trying to convince me that I am not alone. I'm not sure what to think or what to feel. I only expect that everyone will eventually give up on me. Who wants to be with a man who can't fully control his bladder or his spastic arms and legs, who can't stand or walk, who can't even get into and out of bed without help. I'm a lot of work for everyone.

I don't know what I was thinking would happen when I pushed off my wheelchair and flipped my body into the pool. I wasn't thinking at all actually. The night Emma told me she couldn't be with me, left me broken beyond repair. I was already physically broken and Emma made sure I was internally shattered as well. I don't want to die, I want to be whole again even though there's not much hope for that.

I was so hurt and angry. Sarah was always too happy and I made sure to avoid her coming in my room to help me. And Nate reminded me of the man I will never be again.

I gave Charlotte such a hard time the past few weeks, I thought she'd just stop trying, but she never stopped. I just went through the motions. While I was being an asshole, Charlotte was being persistent, pushing me to work harder during every therapy session. I was too absorbed in my own self pity that I didn't realize Charlotte had helped me accomplish sitting up on my own. I was too selfish to notice that she was sacrificing all of her time for me.

With Emma leaving me, I felt link an empty shell, I still sort of feel that way.

I felt hopeless, ever walking again was hopeless, ever being a real man again or ever finding someone to love me like this was hopeless and I couldn't take it any longer. I want the pain to go away.

I glance over at Charlotte curled up in the recliner sleeping, and the weight of what I did hits me. Guilt takes over, I feel terrible that I made her cry after Nate hurried me away from the pool area, and I feel guilty that she isn't home in her own bed sleeping, she's stuck here protecting me from myself.

I didn't think of what the consequences would be if I had succeeded with my plan, the impact it would've had on my parents.... or Charlotte!... What if she had found me lifeless! Or Nate and remembering what happened to his friend.....I'm so selfish.

I can't help but stare over at Charlotte. This beautiful selfless girl who is determined to make me better. I don't know why a girl like her is willing to do everything for someone like me... I don't deserve her help.

But I promised her I would not give up on myself, so the least I can do for her in return is keep my promise. It will not be an easy task though. I've almost lost all hope in getting any better, but I'll try my best.

I hear my cell phone buzzing again but I can't reach it on my nightstand. Charlotte sits up in the recliner and looks around the room to find where the noise is coming from. I feel guilty again, this time for waking her up.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't reach my phone, I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's okay Levi. Why are you still awake? How are you feeling?" She asks me, showing me how concerned she is.

"Can't sleep." I tell her while looking at my legs which are in constant spasms under my blanket.

She gets up and walks over to me, handing me my cell phone when she reaches my bed.

"You've been getting a lot of calls and messages from Landon and Andy. They have both called the front desk but Sarah says you are refusing to talk to them. Want to tell me why?"

She sits on my bed closest to my right leg and pulls off the blanket so she can massage my muscles. The massage helps calm the spasms.

"Levi ?"

"They're my mates, my roommates back home too. I'm just not ready for them to see me like this. We were supposed to go on a camping trip the day after I was hit by that car. I'm just not ready," I tell her, hoping she will let me leave it at that.

I can tell by the look on her face that's she's searching for the right words to say in return. She slowly gets off the bed and walks to the other side so she can massage my left leg. As she sits back down she speaks softly, "They probably miss you and want to be here for you, but you have to be the one to want them here. Please promise you'll think about talking to them. You might realize how much you need them around."

"I'll give it some thought," I tell her.

"How are your legs feeling now?" She asks while she finishes rubbing my foot.

"Much better, thanks."

I wish she didn't have to do all of this for me, although I sure am grateful.

I watch Charlotte cover my legs with the blanket and then gently tuck it around my chest.

She starts to turn back to the recliner but I reach out my hand for her. She slips her hand into mine and gives it a squeeze.

"Thank you Charlotte, for staying."

"Always! Now try and get some sleep," she smiles then pushes the recliner closer to my bed before sitting in it.

I close my eyes and pray that Charlotte never loses all that hope she has for me because she is my only light at the end of this dark tunnel.