Boundless Love

Here For Me

Levi's POV...

The next two weeks go by pretty slow. I'm still not able to put pressure on my spine, so therapy is consistently the same. Massage, manipulate, leg machine, stimulator, practice eating, bladder and bowel control...

My parents have stayed and eaten breakfast and dinner with me every day, and I enjoy their company. I usually send them away during the middle of the day so they can tour around Boston and have some time to themselves. They feel guilty when they're not with me every minute of the day, my mum especially, but no one really wants to be here in this place all day. I tried letting them help with therapy treatments so they believe they're being useful, but that didn't work out so well for any of us, so we just stick with them helping with meals. Their support alone is all I truly need.

My dad is very encouraging and when I complete even the simplest task...in my case, not that simple anymore, he showers me with praise and pushes me to keep going. My mum also praises me and wants to hug me but she's afraid of breaking me, so she resorts to kissing me on the forehead and constantly rubbing my arm. I love them both so much and I'm so sorry I've put them through all this.

I've been putting all my focus on getting my left arm moving. It's such a stubborn limb that wants no part of connecting with my brain. This is so frustrating and I hate to admit that I cry myself to sleep about it every night.

Lately, my emotions are on an endless roller coaster ride. But, there's no benefit to me getting upset about everything I can't do. If I want to surprise Emma and show her that I'm getting better, moving around more before she comes to visit, then I must keep working at it. Her seeing me able to move my arms is my only motivation.

Mark came during his promised weekend visit. He stayed for two days, asked a million questions, made sure everyone was doing their jobs correctly. He said the movie had more set backs and Emma was needing to stay in London for a while longer before flying out here again. That made me sad and angry and almost want to give up on myself.

Emma's been calling me every night like she said she would, but I wanted her here with me, cheering me on when I finally lifted my left arm up off the bed, or when I grabbed the big mug and was able to drink from it myself. I feel hurt that she isn't here to see my small accomplishments, things I work hard on for her.

Our phone conversations have become less pleasant, and each day that she isn't here with me makes me resent her. She again promised that next weekend she would visit, so I'm going to hold on to that promise and concentrate on getting my legs and left arm to move a little more before she visits.

Landon and Andy have been calling non-stop. I miss them but I don't want them to see me like this. I missed our yearly camping and hiking trip and I fear I may never be able to go on that trip again. Hell, I'll no longer be able to do many things the lads and I would usually do. They will figure out soon enough how much of a burden I am to everyone and eventually will get tired of having me around. The last thing I remember after being hit by that car is the horrified look on Landon's face, it's something I never want to see again. I can't handle my best mates looking at me like they are scared for me. I don't want them to pity me or treat me any differently, even though I am different now. I'm mostly afraid of them not accepting me like this and wouldn't be able to live with their rejection, so I've been ignoring their calls. I know my mum has been talking to Landon and giving him updates, so that's all I can give him for now. When I'm not so incapacitated, I'll look forward to having them around again.

Its now Sunday night and my parents are here with me again for dinner. They look tired and worried for me of course. I know this is hard on them, seeing their only son paralyzed. They've been here supporting me, but I know Boston hotels are expensive and they need a break from helping me. "

"Mum, Dad," I start talking. "I Love you both and I'm grateful that you've been here this whole time, but it's ok for you to go back home for a while," I say to them.

My mum looks up at me with concern written all over her face. "No sweetheart, I'm not leaving you here alone."

"I'll be alright mum! I'm not alone, I have Nate and Sarah, and Charlotte." I totally feel alone, but she doesn't need to worry about that. "You can come back and visit in a few weeks, or once a month. Whatever you can afford, but you need to get back to your lives...I'll be here a long time," I try and convince her.

"I think that's a good idea son," my Dad adds. "How about we come back every month for a long weekend? Will that be ok? Will you be ok?" He asks.

I agree with my dad and spend the next half hour settling my mum down, I know she's not keen on this new idea.

"Shower time!"  Overly joyous Sarah announces as she jets into my room holding a bunch of towels.

"Well that's our cue to get going son. We will see you in a few weeks then," my Dad states. Both hug and kiss me goodbye and head back to the hotel. Tears threaten to fall as I think of my parents leaving, but Sarah doesn't give me anytime to sulk.

"Do I really need a shower every day?" I sourly protest to her. "I don't even do anything to work up a sweat," I add, hoping to deter her from getting me in the shower.

"Levi, everyone showers every day and so should you," she bubbly replies. "Plus, this is so you don't get any skin breakdowns from lying down so much," she points at me in my bed

"Fine," I growl. Sarah is so happy and smiling all the time, I like giving her a hard time about it. She makes it fun to joke around with.

The first three times she gave me a shower was so uncomfortable and awkward. The whole process of getting my limp body onto the shower chair gave me anxiety...it still does. At first, she would talk annoyingly way too much, and having my totally naked body exposed to her while she cleansed my skin with a wash cloth, tore away any once of pride I had left for myself.

I have to admit though, I don't find her nearly annoying anymore. Her constant cheerful chatter distracts me and I even find myself laughing with her sometimes. The hot water against my tense muscles relaxes me, and I consider my nightly showers a form of calming therapy before I go to bed for the night; that and when Charlotte is with me are the only times I don't feel like having a panic attack.

I don't know what it is about Charlotte. She willingly stays with me when my anger is out of control and when I make it hard for everyone else to handle, she is always here when I need her. Maybe it's just that I miss Emma, or maybe its because Charlotte's always present and she's good at her job.