Boundless Love

Uncomfortable

Emma's POV...

Nate instructs me to stand on Levi's right side. "His right side is a little easier, as he will be able to help you a bit," Nate tells me and I give him a questioning look. Why would one side be better than the other?

A bout of nausea settles in my gut when Nate picks up Levi's seemingly lifeless left arm and begins to massage his shoulder down to his elbow, making small circular motions with his thumbs. Can Levi not move his left arm or hand at all? Levi looks at me and gently touches my hand. He slightly raises his right arm for me while nodding at me to take it. I lift it enough for me to get my hands around his upper arm, then I look over to Nate. "It's ok Emma, just do what I'm doing, press into his muscles, you won't hurt him."

I start to copy Nate's movements. I have no idea what I'm doing. Levi is barely helping me as I've got the full weight of his arm in my hands while his wrist hangs like I've just picked up a fake limb. I find myself staring at Nate again, following his instructions and not even looking to see if I'm doing my part right. My stomach still churns by the thought of needing to move my fiancé's arms and legs for him. The man I love can't eat on his own or get out of bed. I feel so bad for him...for us. I'm going to throw up.

"Are you ok?" Levi whispers to me, bringing me back out of my trance. "Yes sorry, I want to make sure I'm doing it right," I say. I have a hard time looking at Levi when he's lying there.

"You're doing fine baby, thank you for helping," he says in his sweetest voice. I glance quickly at him, his piercing blue eyes and dimples showing through his cheeks melts my heart when he smiles at me. How can he be smiling in this situation? Everyone around here must be on some type of euphoria drug because there is absolutely nothing to be smiling about.

Nate disrupts the uncomfortable silence in the room by asking us about the movie we're making. It feels refreshing to talk about something familiar to us. I gladly accept the distraction and proceed to give Nate all the details about the movie and who all the actors are. I'm happy we made that movie together and sad to think that might've been the last one Levi ever does.

I'm too into the conversation we're having to realize I'm now bending Levi's elbow, then massaging his forearm, moving his wrist and then his fingers around, as Nate's doing the same to Levi's left side. I wonder if I'll need to do this for him everyday for the rest of his life. What I read tells me that his muscles can contract over time and distort the shape of his hands and other parts, so he will need someone to do stretches or other things for him. Ugh!

We then move onto legs. Things get very awkward when Nate reaches up to Levi's upper thigh near his groin to start massaging, and it gets worse when I begin doing the same thing to Levi's right thigh. How much more do we need to do? My fingers graze against what would be Levi's boxers, but they aren't boxers. Is he wearing a diaper? I can't deal with that, why does he need a diaper? My teeth bite down on my bottom lip to keep my hysteria in check. Levi keeps shifting his wide stare from Nate to me then back to Nate. This must be embarrassing for him, I know it is for me. Things get slightly better as I quickly move my hands down to Levi's knees and ankles.

Levi's able to lift his right knee slightly for me, but I can't help but notice he isn't moving his left leg at all. I feel my eyes fill with liquid thinking about it and I quickly look away, hoping Levi doesn't catch me crying.

"Is this the type of therapy Levi will have every day?" I ask Nate. Please say no!

"Yes he'll have this type of massage therapy twice a day, but he'll also have many other different therapies throughout the day," he continues in his confident voice..."The first two weeks will be similar to this, this passive massage therapy as we wait for his fracture to heal. After that, we'll be able to get him sitting up, swimming, lifting weights and all kinds of other things. It's slow at first, but will get better."

"I'm going to help him with toileting now, then get him up into a wheelchair so he can hang out with you and the family in the lounge," Nate explains.

My fiancé in a wheelchair. This isn't what I ever imagined we would be doing. I don't think I can handle staying in here watching someone help him use the toilet. Feeding him and massage therapy was hard enough. I need some air.

I lean down and kiss Levi on his forehead before letting him know I'll call his parents to come over. My throat feels like it's closing and the air in this room seems so thick, I'm practically suffocating, so I quickly bolt out the door.

As soon as I exit out of the room, I lean my back against the wall right outside his door and release a long breath.

I shouldn't be crying, Levi should be. And no one here should be smiling.