Guilt, Regret, Anxiety, Fears We Dare Not Name

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Catlynn's POV

I was texting the Spelling Bee group chat, which was going nuts.

Lachlan: DUDES GUESS WHAT A SQUIRREL POOPED ON ME!
Emily: TMI.
Cesca: DOES SQUIRREL POOP STINK?
Erin: Francesca. It's poop.
Me: What is going on
Drew: You asked the wrong person, Olive.
Cesca: Shut up.

Elle then knocked on my door, and I put down my phone. Jessica was behind her. I knew this was serious. Elle sat next to me on my bed and Jessica sat in the corner of the mattress.

"Hey. Um, I know your birthday is in 2 days, but we have some bad news to share." Elle said. I sighed, and Jessica put her hand on my leg and said, "Heathers is closing. Our last show is on August 4th."

I started crying, and Elle said, "I'm so sorry, Sunshine." Jessica and Elle hugged me, and Jessica said, "Are you okay?"

I shook my head, and Elle said, "Luckily, you're adopted by me." I shook my head, and said, "What about Jess? And Katie? And Ryan? And Alice? And Barrett? And Evan and Jon? I won't see them again!"

Elle hugged me, and said, "We'll figure it out. Maybe we'll all take turns driving you to school!"

Jessica looked at Elle and said, "Elle. She's homeschooled." Then it hit her. "Wait. The theater was the whole reason she started homeschooling."

"It's fine. Ryan helped me apply for School Choice for a really good public school I would love to have everyone drive me." Elle said, "You should've asked me first, but as long as you're happy."

I started full-on crying, and said, "I'm gonna miss the theater..." Jessica hugged me, and said, "I'm gonna miss it too. But, we're your family and we're always here to support you. We'll come to every band concert, musical, art show, you name it. Plus, you live here. I'll be around, I promise."

Without thinking, I yelled, "Thanks for ruining my birthday!" and ran out of Elle's apartment and headed to the theater.

Luckily, there was a show that day. I ran in and slammed the door of my little office and locked it. I sighed, and realized there was an envelope on my desk.

"Found this pic on my phone, forgot I took it. Hope you like it. ~Evan." the card read. I opened the envelope, and inside was a picture from when I was in the hospital the first time. It was taken from an odd angle, I could only see the side of my face and my hair. I was sitting criss cross on the bed. The camera was pointed towards Alice, who was laughing, and Barrett, who was eating a mouthful of sushi. Jessica seemed to notice there was a camera and was waving, and Elle had her arm around me, also laughing. I could only see part of Ryan's face, but he was smiling.

I started crying, and said to myself, "Is this gonna be the last real memory I have of my family all being together? I had so much fun here and it's all gonna be taken away from me..." I took off my phone case and slipped the picture in it for safekeeping. I looked out the window, and I could see the brick wall.

The brick wall that I was pinned up against almost a month ago. The wall that got me adopted.

The wall that practically saved my life.

I heard a knock on the door, and I said, "Who is it?"

"It's Ryan. Can I come in?" I said "Yeah." and Ryan fiddled with the lock and opened the door. He sat down next to me and hugged me into his side.

"Hey, Sunshine. Guess you heard the bad news, huh?" I sighed, and said, "Don't remind me." Ryan kissed my head and said, "It won't be that bad."

"Yes it will!" I exploded. "I won't see you guys again after August." Ryan sighed, and said, "Yes, you will. Don't worry." His phone buzzed, and he started typing. "Elle wanted to know where you were. I told her you're with me and you needed a breather." I snuggled into Ryan and said, "I feel so bad for lashing out at Elle and Jessica."

Ryan sighed, and said, "What did you say to them?"

I said, "I told them that they ruined my birthday. I'm sorry, I just-" Ryan cut me off and kissed me on the head, and said, "I get it. You're frustrated and sad right now, and needed to let out your feelings. It just comes with being a teenager."

Elle and Jessica burst through the door, and I hugged them both as tight as I could. "I'm so sorry..." I whispered in between tears.

Elle pushed my hair out of my face, and said, "You don't have to be sorry. I get that you're trying to figure out how to deal with this. It's hard for us too, believe me."

"I'm losing my family for the second time." I said, crying. I wanted to be alone.

Elle wrapped me in a hug and said, "Oh, Sunshine, is that what you were worried about?" I nodded while crying my eyes out, and Elle said, "You're not going to lose us. Ever." Jessica hugged me too, and said, "We all love you. You're not going to lose any of us."

I said, "I was scared you two were going to hate me for lashing out at you." Jessica hugged me, and said, "We could never hate you. I know you didn't mean it." Elle kissed me on the head, and said, "Let's have the best 13th birthday party ever, okay?" I nodded, and Elle and Jessica left. I was about to go with them, but Ryan stopped me.

"I have an idea." he said. He dug in one of my desk drawers and pulled out the journal Alice gave me. He also ran back to his dressing room and pulled out a shoebox.

"What's this for?" I asked.

"I was talking to Elle and Jessica about this when we found out the show was closing, we decided to make you a little kit that can help you when you're sad or missing us or just anxious. Go on, open it."

I opened the box and inside was a picture frame that said "Memories" at the top.

The first picture was a copy of the one Evan gave me. The second picture was of me, Elle, and Ryan singing the I Love You Song. The third picture was of me asleep on Jessica. The fourth picture was me reacting to the adoption news. The fifth picture was of the cast getting ready for my surprise party. And the sixth picture was us all together at Spelling Bee.

I smiled, and Ryan said, "There's more."

Inside was a beautiful purple journal, and Ryan stopped me from looking through it. "That's something special. If you're feeling stressed or sad, or you're missing one of us and just want to talk, you can write your feelings down and leave the journal outside your bedroom door. Elle will give it to one of us."

"I have your numbers. Why can't I just text or call?"

"We thought you might want to write things down and look at our handwriting. It might help. You're always welcome to FaceTime if you need to. And you live with Elle."

I nodded, and hugged Ryan. "Thanks."

"Check your phone."

I checked my phone and a text from Ryan popped up. On the text was a video.

When I watched the video, I almost cried. It was a 9 minute video of the entire cast taking turns singing the two songs that calmed me down the most. Kindergarten Boyfriend and The I Love You Song.

"In case you need it." Ryan said.

"Ryan!" I cried, jumping into his arms. He hugged me tight and said, "Do you want me to pick up sushi after the show?"

I laughed, and said, "Always."

AN: NO. THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE BOOK. THIS BOOK IS NOT ENDING FOR A LONG LONG TIME. I LOVE CATLYNN TOO MUCH. Hope you enjoyed! Catch ya later!

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