My notebook (Byler)

28

Thousands of thoughts went through my mind the entire night. I felt broken hearted, guilty, stupid and most importantly, I was worried about Will. He was alone at the hospital. No one with him.
"I could of been with him. I could of fixed things and this would have never happened. How did I not know he liked me? I'm just a fucking idiot. What do I say to him.."
As I lingered deeper and deeper into my thoughts, the sun came up and I could hear the little birds disturbing my thoughts.
I didn't dare get up or open my eyes. I just played there, hoping I never.have to move but if I stayed like this, I would just be avoiding Will again. I can't do that.
My eyes snapped opened, squinting at first though adjusting, I got up, folded blankets, left a note for Dustin and slipt out the window and down the street towards my house.
I showered, I dressed, I avoided Nancy's room in fear of those stupid spankings she gave me the last time and rhode my bike to the hospital.

**** Will P.O.V*****

11:45 A.M

The bottle of orange juice sat on the mini table above my legs, patiently waiting for me to drink it but I just stared at it. Watching it begin forming a puddle under itself from the condensation.
I let my fingertips touch it, then let it slip down towards my elbow and repeat.
I snapped my attention towards the door and towards the sound of a knock.
"Have you chosen what you'd like for breakfast yet?" The nurse asked. I smiled
"Cereal would be nice. Cheerios, please?" I answered. She nodded with a smile and closed the door on her way out.
The room was quiet. I missed my mom. I just wanted her here. I miss those alien socks I had gotten before all this. I miss my train pj's that covered me in warmth and softness. I miss our friend group. D&D and snacks and movies with them. I miss everything being so simple. If I wasn't going to have that, the upside-down sounds way better than this. At least I had the attention.
Another knock, and the door opened again. 8pm
I moved the orange juice to the side and made space for the little plastic bowl of cereal. I looked up to say "thank you" all while it was being placed.
That didn't happen. The words were stuck in my throat as I stared at him. He was sweaty, cheeks red as a tomato, lips parted and eyes as calm as they could be.
"This is yours. I asked, so I know." Mike said. He pulled up a chair and sat beside me. "Oh!" He quickly went in his pockets and pulled the milk carton out of his pocket.
"Thank you," I mumbled and looked back at the orange juice.
"I broke up with El on the way here. We talked it out, and she said she wanted to see you and bring you some gifts as a sorry, but I told her right now wasn't a good time..U-unless it is. I can go get her. " he quickly stood up and turned to the door. I found my hand holding his sweater tight.
"It's fine, really." I said. He sat back down and slipped both his hands on my hand.
"Soft." I thought,"just like my pajamas. "
" Max punched me. I tried to amend things with her. She wasn't ready. Lucas doesn't want to talk to me, and Dustin wants me to fix it with you before talking to him, but I don't care about any of it if I'm being completely honest. I deserved it. Will -" Mike rambled to which I interrupted him
"Mike. You broke up with El. Why? I thought you two..." I slipped my hand out of his hand. "You guys were great together. Perfectly in love, right?"
"Shit.. um well actually no. I thought she was the one I wanted but turns out I just needed the comfort of losing you when you were gone. I guess I mistake appreciation love as real love but Will I love you and I love you a lot. Even when El was around, I didn't stop thinking of you. I missed you. I missed our sleepovers and El...well el just wanted me around her constantly and I was stupid enough to let it happen but it is NO excuse I know that. I also know that I only want you and only you. If you want it of course. I never really...we kissed and you...no consent....sorry about that by the way" Mike blushed bright red which made me giggle.
"How do you know you love me. What if it's just friendship love?"
Mike put his hands on my cheeks and looked at me. He breathed in then breathed out.
"I never realized how I felt about you till now. I realized you're the first thing that pops to mind when I wake up, when I see anything around my house. All of it reminds me of you. I always imagined us sitting on my couch, eating popcorn as we watch movies and I sometimes think of the little laugh you make when you're embarrassed and-" He let out a breath, staring me in the eyes as a smile grew onto his lips"- fuck I just love the way you admire the little things like your sock collection or even a sweater I'd give to you and how grateful, polite and you're refusal of swearing is the cutest fucking thing. I can't name one thing I don't like about you. Nothing. I can only think of you being you. Pure perfection. The fact that I never realized how I felt about you or the other way around astounds me and if I'm being honest, I want to kiss your soft pink lips and dig my hands in your hair. I think about that kiss in the janitors closet from time to time. I would do anything for your forgiveness. I was such a shit person. I did so many bad things to hurt you and I don't expect you to forgive me or even want me back in your life but fuck it all I want to know is that your happy, your healthy, you're fine, that you have a group of friends that will be there for you. I don't care if I'm just left out as long as you're happy that's all I care about." Mike's eyes flick down to my lips and to my eyes.
I wanna kiss him. I want him to apologize till his tongue falls out. I want his hands in my hair. I was to punch him in the face. I want his embrace. I don't want him but I want him.
"Mike... you..El-" he quickly let go of me and threw his arms up.
"Oh fuck el! I want you! I only want you." He says.
"Fu- I hate you" I stumble over my words before grabbing him by the sweater rand pulling him in for a tight hug.
"Never do it again." I say into his neck. His arms snake around me and he digs his face in my hair.
" I promise I won't let you down again."

(A/N: YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONE?! NOPE! JUST REALLY BAD WRITERS BLOCK BUT THAT LITTLE INSPIRATION KICKED MY ASS INTO THIS BOOK SO HERE IS ANOTHER CHAPTER! I think I'll be making a few more before this ends unless any of you have a say in that. I really love this book and I love incorporating all the characters and I hope you all love it as well)