Spencer Reid Took My Life

ten. Regret

"I love you"
Your eyes widen realizing the words that just came out of your mouth.

Spencer's head whips up and he smiles, big.

"I love you too."

And then his smile quickly falters.

"You shouldn't love me."

And then

Ring ring

Your phone goes off. You silence it, not even look at the call. Then Spencer's starts ringing as well. It's Hotch.

"I have too"
"I know"

He nods along to whatever Hotch is saying.
"Okay, I understand, I'll stop at her house and pick her up" He looks up at you.

"We've got a case."

You want to talk but you know a call this late means an urgent case. You head over and put on your clothes from earlier, Spencer doing the same and wordlessly walk to his car.

Once your in you can't not say anything.

"I shouldn't love you? What does that mean?"

His hands tighten against the wheel.

"I shouldn't have let tonight happen" You look at him with slight disgust.

"Spencer. We're dating and what? You don't want that anymore? Was fucking me that awful? I don't understand. Once second you love me and now tonight shouldn't have happened?" You we're getting heated.

" No. Y/n that wasn't what I meant. I just. You shouldn't love me. I. I'm not worth it!" He was raising his voice, clearly upset. You softened.

" Spence," You put a hand on his leg, " You are worth it Spencer. Why wouldn't you be?" He looked down and stretched out his fingers and gripped the steering wheel again.

" I messed up."

He pulled into the parking lot. You looked at him.
"What do you me-"

Knock Knock

Emily knocked on your window, urging you inside. You sighed and got out of the car.

"If we go on the jet, we're talking about this. I can't have it just sitting."

You head inside and immediately go into upstairs. You sit away from Spencer, needing a little space.
Hotch began presenting.

" I'm sorry for calling you all in after-hours. But this case was sent down directly from the director. We have a tight timeline." Hotch went on to explain that they had an unsub had been kidnapping families and leaving them in cars on abandoned roads. A new family had just been taken for the first time in 2 weeks and they were unsure how long they had until he killed them.

"We're headed to Arizona, wheels up in 20."

Everyone else disbands to get their things together and review the case on their own. Spencer gets up as well but you stop him.

" Spencer wait. We have 20 minutes to talk."

You gesture for him to sit down again.

" What do you mean you messed up?"

He sighs, putting his hands in his hair.

"My mom is doing better. She's more active, she's not having episodes, she's enjoying life. But her memory isn't doing better. And part of the time she just had no clue who I was. And I wasn't handling it well. And they asked me to assist in that case and they caught the unsub but couldn't get a confession and the day just kept getting more stressful. And then I got a phone call from you. And I heard you tell Garcia that you still thought about what I said to you that one night. And i hung up. Told you I was busy. And then they asked me to go out. So I did."

You were listening intently, this was clearly hard for him and you didn't want to interrupt. You just squeezed his hand.

" They were a rowdy bunch to say the least, vegas boys ya know" He tried to joke, giving you a half-hearted laugh.

" They got a few shots into me quick. And my thoughts got dark and angry. I was mad at the world and myself. And I went outside to sit in my car and cool off for a second. I was looking to see if I had gum or something to focus on. And I found some dilaudid. After I used that night I wanted to get rid of it. But i was still high and-"

You notice he was tearing up.

"-and I couldn't will myself to get rid of it, so I put it in my car. And when I was sober I didn't think of it again. But then I was in that car, angry and drunk and I wanted to calm down. And it just happened. And I promised I wouldn't and I'm ashamed to say I don't know much of what happened. I was drunk and high and I remember bits and pieces. I remember that girl. But i don't remember if anything happened."

Your chest tightened. And you squeezed his hand harder. Words not forming.

" I thought I could act like it didn't happen. And when I'm with you it's easy to forget anything exist but you. But when you said you loved me. I felt. Dirty. Because you deserve to love someone better. I'm an addict. And while using I have said god awful to things to you. And now. I might have cheated, or at the least I lied and was rude. And that's not the way you deserve to be treated."

You saw a tear run down his face. You took his hand out of yours and reached up and wiped it away.

"I'm not sure what to say right now. I'm not even sure what all I'm feeling. But I want to be with you. I know that. And I'm willing to work through this. And put anything in the past. If you're willing to get help."

He swallowed.

" I only used twice. I don't even have anymore. I won't do it again Y/n." You sigh hard.
" You said that the first time too."
Emily opened the door.
"Time to go guys." You both get up and walk out, knowing this all needed to wait.
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Authors note.
Hello to the 3 people that read this! Sorry it's short but if i included the next part it would be wayyyy too long. I'm trying hard to transition it how I want it to go without rushing and it's hard. So if it starts moving too fast that's why! Love y'all 💜😌