Wide Awake

<18>

Seokjin's POV:

The drive home is just as quiet as the ride to the cabin. I can't help but count the sighs that escape the man behind the wheel. 26 sighs in 30 minutes- that has to be some sort of record.

You exhaust him.

I push the voice away, trying to remind myself of Yoongi's words. The younger man had bared his soul in an attempt to help me... how could that be misconstrued?

You're so pathetic it offends him.

He thinks you're too weak.

I go around the car, helping Yoongi unload the trunk, ignoring the look he gives me. Fully aware of how the rapper can read my mind, I don't bother to hide it, allowing my mind to wander.

You're weak.

Trudging through the parking garage and up the stairs, I can feel eyes watching me closely from behind. Guilt fills my chest, wondering how hard it had been for Yoongi to share such memories.

You made him relive it.

You should be ashamed.

But he chose to tell me. Right? I would never force him to recall such terrible things on my behalf. I reach the door, fumbling with the key while my hands are full. My eyes widen when the door flies open, revealing a smiling Makanae.

"Hyung! How was fishing?" The younger beams, grabbing the bags from me. I offer a small smile.

Kill yourself.

"Good, Kook'ah," I speak softly, wandering off to my room to prepare for practice. I clench my jaw, pushing away the dread I feel, having to spend hours in a group setting. It has been days since I've attended the usual schedules, and my anxiety is running rampant. 

You drag them down.

No wonder they haven't wanted you there.

I shut my bedroom door, taking a moment to shut my eyes as I lean against it. I picture crimson blood dripping down my thighs, angrily picking at my old wounds through my pants.

Find something.

Make it hurt.

Yoongi's voice follows, reminding me not to listen. I take a deep breath, changing out of my fishing gear as I focus on Yoongi's words.

I know it's hard to trust me.

I know what the voices are saying.

Does he know? Does his voice sound the same? His face seemed so sincere, his tone laced with desperation.

SEOKJINNIE!

You can't ignore me.

The voice is mocking me, laughing in my ears, almost as if it likes it when I try to fight. I shake my head, inhaling deeply as I pull a loose-fitting shirt over my frail body. When was the last time I worked out? I frown, glancing in the mirror, taking note of the lack of muscle definition.