supernova

17

I did a lot of thinking.

Usually, that doesn't end well, but it did in this case.

I sat my mom down last week and talked to her about how I was wrong. I was selfish and making the situation about myself.

**
"Mom, can we talk?" I asked her and pointed my head towards the couch. She nodded and followed me. "I'm sorry. I was selfish, and this supposed to be about you, and what you want, and you being happy before you die. You can make whatever choice you want about how to go through with the chemo or whatever, and if you're happy, I'll support you."

"Look, I know it's not easy for you, but I've accepted that I'm dying. There's nothing anyone can do to change that. I'll go with the hospitalization and rehab plan for you," she said, but I didn't want her to do it for me. I wanted her to do it for herself.

"Are you sure this is what you want? I asked her. "Don't do it for me. Do it for yourself," I added.

"I'm doing it for the best of us, so yes. I want to live longer for more time with you. Just promise to visit me or FaceTime every other day."

"Of course, I will. Are they letting you work from the hospital?" I asked her and she shook her head.

"No. They aren't, but I negotiated with our insurance company, and they're willing to cover some more of the costs," she said.

"I have the twenty thousand."

"Don't use that on me unless it's an emergency. I want that to go to your college fund. It's not easy getting out of debt," she said and I nodded.
**

Today was the day. It was the weekend before Thanksgiving, and she was being moved into the hospital.

It was snowing outside, so I spent most of the day inside with her, we watched Elf, The Nightmare before Christmas, and The Polar Express. I left around four thirty. I had another stop to make before going home.

I pulled over the car and parked it before putting my hat and gloves on and properly zipping up my sweater. I never liked big jackets.

"Hey Dad," I said kneeling down. My knees touching the snow sent shivers through out my body, but I didn't care. "Mom's in the hospital now. Full time. I don't know when, but she'll be with you soon," I got off my knees and sat down crossing my legs. "I really miss you. You know, I'm doing really well in chemistry right now, I can kind of see why you liked it so much. I hate the math, but the material is really interesting. Maybe, I'll do physics next year. Probably not though. I might just do AP Biology. I like the theories of physics, but I don't want to do the math."

I just sat there some time, not caring that my nose felt frozen or that my lips were chapped.

"I made a new friend this year. You would really love him. You were always telling me about how much fun having a brother would be, and I never understood it. I was the spoiled only child. He's funny and caring and does stupid things that piss everyone off. He reminds me of you sometimes. The way he smiles at everyone and tries to be helpful. I wish I could spend more time here, but I have school tomorrow. I don't want to go to an empty house, but I don't have a choice. I love you, and I miss you more everyday," I said wiping away a couple tears that accidentally slipped out.

I got up and hurried back to my car. I sat there for a few minutes with the heater on high before slightly lowering it and driving home.

I walked into an house that felt really empty. Part of the feeling was just knowing my mom doesn't live with me anymore. The other part was a lot of her stuff being gone. I decided that this year, I would use the Christmas decor in her hospital room instead of the house. I wanted her to feel comfortable and cozy there.