supernova

34

"What the fuck were you doing with him?" He yelled. God, I hated yelling.

"I was helping him with chemistry," My voice remained calm.

"Oh really?"

"What were you doing with her?" I retorted.

"Oh, so you were jealous."

"Fuck yea I was jealous." It felt good to admit it out loud.

"You were the one who started it!" he was yelling again.

"I was the one who started it? YOU were the one who started it! You started it by bringing up getting the barista's number!" I decided the only thing I could do, was yell.

"Which is why you went back to him?"

"I didn't think you'd notice," I laughed out humorlessly. "I was helping him with chemistry, do you want me to call and ask him about it?"

"Oh, so you wanna talk to him?"

"Yea, I do. He was nice." I added an emphasis on nice, letting him know he was acting like a douche. "You do  know that our friends are gonna realize that you were jealous right?"

"I don't care. Let them. At first, I only cared because you did, now I don't. If anyone asks, I'm telling them you're mine.  You want me to be nice? I can be nice," he spat out the word. His lips came down on mine and I pushed him off. He had a look of shock on his face but quickly covered it.

"What happens when I realize I can't do a relationship? I feel like I'm leading you on because of how unsure I am! What happens if we go to college in different states? Can you really do long distance? I know it'll be a bitch for me."

"Arabella."

"No! Let me finish. We can barely go a few hours without fighting, how do you think this will work out? I like you, a lot, but we clash way to much."

"The difference between you and me, is I am willing to take risks. You need predictable. One night stands, perfect grades, straightforward, no feelings. You feel the need to have this predictably perfect life, and I am willing to take a risk."

"You think I don't want to try?"

"Yes."

"I do. I do want to try, but you're right. I need predictable. My dad's death wasn't something I predicted. My mom getting cancer wasn't predictable, and both times I was hurt. I can't do not predictable because I need to know how things end. I'm trying to protect myself from completely falling apart."

"You've already fallen apart completely. Nothing about the way you react to things is healthy! Your parents death broke you two times, and you didn't even try to reach for help. You bottle everything up and then project it on everything else! You're too scared to care about anyone!" Both of us were yelling at this point.

It took a minute for his words to process and they felt like a cold slap of reality. Deep down I knew that's how I reacted to situations, but why would I want to be told that?

"You don't think I know that! Have you ever thought that the reason I'm so scared is because if you really think about it, I killed my dad! I pushed everyone away after it. I broke up with Kane, I didn't talk to Amukta for six months, and I barely saw my mom for over almost two years. And then, my mom goes and gets cancer right when I feel like things might just be getting together. Two of the three people I've hopelessly loved have died!" I was in tears at this point, and it was embarrassing.

"Your dad's death wasn't your fault.

"Yes it was! You don't even know what happened! If you connect the dots, then my mom's cancer and her dying was also my fault," I cried out.  My back slid down the rough wall and I sat on the floor and cried.