Cute Voice

May 27

"I-I don't know how you want me to pretend like nothing happened between us. Like you didn't just break my heart. Like - no, I  don't care if I sound stupid, I was never in love with you, that's wierd, I was just your best friend, okay? And it sucks to lose you like this. And if you want to just pretend like nothing ever happened-"

"...Flora?"

"..."

"Are you okay?"

"...*sob*..."

"..."

"Why are you even up, it's three am! Please just let me vent, okay, Nobody?"

"Yeah, I mean...*clears throat awkwardly* virtual back rub?"

"*hiccup*No-yeah...I don't know."

"What's up?"

"It's going to sound stupid."

"Don't worry, I already know you're stupid."

"...Okay, I'm going to pretend I'm not insulted or anything."

"But what happened? Are you okay? All good down in mystery land?"

"No... I'm not okay, okay? Wow. Everyone always says that stupid question, 'are you okay' and its like the dumbest thing ever. Who invented it, the devil? He wants us to say small lies every day, our words turning against ourselves, smiles suffocating us until all that's left to do is break down silently, every single night."

"..."

"...Sorry."

"No, no. My pleasure. So...anything else?"

"Yes, actually. My best friend just dumped me."

"Oh, Katie? The one who would wear floral underwear over jeans if it was 'cool'?" 

"...Yeah, her."

"Well, based on the times -stress the 's'-"

"You just did for me-"

"-You've called random Nobody's - no pun intended-"

"Are you sure about that?"

"..."

"..."

"Can you please let me finish?"

"Yeah, fine."

"Aaaas I was saying. Based on the amount of times you've called random phone number and or texted yourself about what you should say to her, but too afraid to actually talk to her, I beg to differ on the word 'just'."

"..."

"You see, my dear lady, when a manhole opens in any given relationship, there's usually  been the gas building in the pipes for a long time before the abyss. And when one looks back to find the gas buildup, it may seem like tiny things that shouldn't lead to a manhole but upon closer inspection is actually a network of a broken frame. Something underlying and ignored has been building up the gas in the pipes of your relationship with this floral underwear girl, and it's led, however discreetly to the manhole you have fallen in."

"..."

"Okay, done. How much hours should I give you to process that?"

"I-wait."

"What did I say. See, nobody always knows these things. Should ten suffice? Meet you at the next port."

"Port?"

"You know, like boat port? As in you missed the boat? Am I just so genius I leave everybody behind or are you-"

"I knew all of that about underlying causes for relationships falling apart, I was just having a hard time following the manhole analogy. Obviously. Who doesn't? Man, you're slow."

"..."

"I mean, I knew most of it."

"I'm doing some serious virtual eyebrow raising."

"Okay, okay. It was very interesting and intuitive and deep, okay? There. I said it. What are you anyway, some kind of life coach?"

"Nah. The only class I ever passed was English, so."

"And you're calling me stupid?"

"Ouch, dude. By pass I mean every year. All A's."

"I'm sensing some definite T4 over here."

"What's that?"

"It's when you try to brag through a complaint like 'ohmygod my Porsche is so slow.' Or  like 'my  butler is seriously space invasive'."

"Ah. I see. Well, no, I'm not T4ing, just saying. Anyway, I'm sorry about your ex-best-friend."

"Me too. How do you know all of that stuff, anyway?"

"I - life? I'm more than a pretty face, you know."

"..."

"..."

"I'm cringing with awkwardness I don't know why that was so awkward."

"Me too. Anyway-"

"Oh yeah, because you were trying to compliment yourself and it fell flat on your face."

"T4."

"It's not used like that."

"Close enough, probably."

"No."

"Anyway, Flora-

"-"

"-sorry, but I actually don't know what to call you!"

"Call me Somebody."

"..."

"..."

"Okaaay, I'm going to pretend that wasn't strange and a little bit socially awkward-"

"Don't get me started on awkward-"

"Oh trust me-oops, sorry, no sarcasm, I forgot. Anyway, Somebody, I hope I helped you out a little because if not, you'd be the first and I'd have to send the world record people down to your place and then you would have to give me a full name and address-"

"Maybe I should send them to you for 'biggest, most inflated ego anyone has ever had.'"

"But then you'd need my name and address."

"Okay, what is it? Who are you?"

"..."

"..."

"Goodnight, Somebody. I hope you become okay soon."

"Wait-Nobody-"

"..."

"..."