Promise (KageHina) [✨Completed✨]

20

Kageyama p.o.v, 3 a.m.

I couldn't sleep.

I tossed and turned but I couldn't sleep.

I tried forcing my brain to stop racing but it wouldn't.

I had forgotten to read the last text Hinata had sent me that day because I was too tired to even think about it in the bath. But now that I'm trying to sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

It was the worst possible way to put myself to sleep.

I was surrounded by everyone, and any one of them could hear me if I cried myself to bed.

I shut my eyes for a couple minutes but they fly open afterwards. Giving up, I groaned and took my phone that was placed next to my pillow. Flicking it open, I was blinded by the sudden light.

I allowed my eyes to adjust for a few seconds before going to Hinata's chat. My thumb hovered over the centre button, hesitating.

A part of me wanted a reply but another part of me wants to get over it. I knew I wouldn't if I kept ignoring that text. It's been almost 2 months and I haven't moved on yet. I was scared that if I did, I'd forget him. I'd forget who put me here.

Who helped me through my middle school trauma.

Who gave me hope.

Gave me confidence again.

Got me to believe in myself once more.

Made me trust myself once more.

Trust the team.

Our team.

Exhaling a slow breath, I clicked open his chat and scrolled to the beginning of the paragraph.

[Hinata, sent at 3 a.m.:]

I know what I'm going to say next will hurt you. I know it will not only affect me but the rest of the team. I know what I'm going to do is going to affect you and the team, the most. Tobio-kun, remember how you used to ask me everyday, what is it that kept me going? Well, I wanted to be honest back then but I couldn't. Because it would feel like I was embarrassing myself in front of you. But I had an answer then. And it's been the same ever since. Thank you for always being there for me, Kageyama. You being there since the first day I told you about my stupid, worthless self gave me hope that things might get better even if it seems almost impossible. Thank you for bearing with me. Thank you for helping me out when I needed it. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for making me tell you what was bothering me because if you hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself anymore. If you hadn't been there when I needed it most, I don't think I'd be able to live with myself. You never left my side, even if I begged you to. I'm glad. You know, ever since our late night talks back then, I've always looked forward to it. More than you know. You wanna know the reason why I've been able to survive for so long? You were the reason Kageyama. You always had been. Whenever I'm with you, I could simply ignore my problems and genuinely be happy with you. Had we never went for that walk that night, I don't think I would have been able to hold out for this long. Kageyama Tobio, thank you for being my friend.
It was all I needed. All I ever wanted.
And thanks to you, I've held out. I'm sorry I never did better. I'm sorry I never stayed strong. I'm sorry for doing this to you. But just remember, it wasn't your fault. You were NOT the reason behind this. It's not your fault that this happened. It was my decision and mine alone. Please don't blame yourself.
Please, continue to be you. Please, continue to smile. I love that smile that you gave. A real one. I'm going to keep it in my memory, even after I'm gone. I'll always remember it. Thank you.

Before I knew it, I was already crying. I dropped my phone to my side and buried my face in my pillow. I hoped no one heard me. I knew why I didn't want to read it in the first place. It was because of those exact words. I knew those small gestures meant a lot to him and he had a difficult way of expressing his gratitude and yet, why did those words hurt me so much?

Even though he told me not to blame myself, why does it hurt? It should give a sense of reassurance so why does my heart feel like it's been split apart? Why does it feel like, he didn't want this to happen?

Hinata was right. I haven't been able to smile and I have been blaming myself. I didn't deserve his thanks. What should I have done to stop you? What should I have said? Hinata I miss you.... I don't know how long more I can live like this.

Why do I feel.. So much pain?

I couldn't remember whatever else that I did or who woke up to console me that night because I could only hear my own silent cries. I let the exhaustion engulf me and let sleep finally take over me.

.....Goodnight, Shoyo.

I realized now that that was the last goodnight I'll ever say.

And that I'll never get to hear from him again.

***