Bellarke One Shots Book 1

24) Love is Weakness

"You need to get your shit together, Clarke." The comment is shocking enough that she stirs out of her trance-like state, turning away from Finn's ghost (who has been stalking her quite determinedly, a disappointed look on his face) and looking at who had spoken.

It is surprising, really. Though Bellamy had been the first to see the walls she'd put up-closely followed by her mother, then Kane and Raven-it is Octavia who calls her out on it.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Clarke lies, meeting Octavia's hard gaze, not flinching from the accusation shining in her eyes.

"Bullshit," the younger Blake spits out, crossing her arms and taking a step forward. Despite her stature, at that moment, Octavia is an intimidating figure. It may have actually cowed Clarke had she not been sure that a confrontation would eventually take place. "You're pushing everyone away, but you can't do that. You're not allowed to do that." Her eyes are alight with fury, and beneath that, an understanding.

Which, to Clarke, is what's bullshit. After all, Octavia didn't kill Lincoln. She has no idea what Clarke is feeling.

"I don't need your permission," Clarke bites out. "Now leave me alone." She is turning away when Octavia grabs her arm, squeezing tightly enough to leave bruises.

"No, you're going to hear me out whether you like it or not." Her mouth is pressed into a thin line, and Clarke lets out a sigh of defeat. Octavia notices this, releases her, but doesn't move away-she's still very much standing in Clarke's personal space. "I get it. You shut everyone out so you can't get hurt. So you don't feel pain. But you're being selfish."

"Selfish? I killed him to save him! To save all of you! You have a thing against how I cope with what I did for you? Next time, you make the impossible choice." She sounds bitter, offended, and most importantly, hurt, but she finds she doesn't quite care. Because she's angry-positively livid-that Octavia is willing to question how she chooses to deal with the pain she's only enduring because of Finn and her people.

"Yeah, and what about the people who care about you?" Clarke doesn't understand what Octavia means. She has no idea how that is even remotely relevant. The confusion must be written all over her face, because Octavia lets out a small laugh and shakes her head. "You're dealing with the pain by shutting all of us out. But how do you think we're feeling?" Clarke doesn't miss how Octavia uses words like 'us' and 'we,' and if she wasn't so damn angry with the girl, she would feel touched despite her walls. She almost wants to say thank you.

"You weren't the ones who stabbed Finn," she says instead, unwilling to let Octavia sway her, unwilling to let her get past the walls and defenses. Because Lexa is right, love is weakness. It only leads to more pain, more suffering.

Nothing good comes out of love-she's learned that the hard way.

"So, what? You're punishing us?" Clarke is unable to help it; she lets out a laugh.

"Punishing you? What're you talking about?"

"We're your friends, Clarke." She looks earnest, as if desperate for Clarke to understand, but she also seems incredibly sad, as if she's sure it isn't likely. "Do you want to know how you deal with pain? With loss?" It's clearly a rhetorical question because she pauses for only a second before plowing on. "You lean on the people who care about you. You share the burden with the people who love you." Clarke can feel her mask slipping, and she suddenly hates Octavia for it.

"You should sneak out the same way you snuck in," she says, meaning to sound harsh, cruel. But Octavia just smiles.

"Screw you, Clarke," she jokes feebly, sending Clarke back to the day she asked Octavia to risk her life, the day Bellamy looked at her accusingly, letting her know in no uncertain terms that it would be her fault if anything happened to his little sister. Octavia, surprisingly, does turn around to leave the medical bay, but pauses briefly before pushing aside the plastic hanging from the doorway. "We all love you, Clarke. And we're hurting because you are."