Pain With Regrets *complete*

ch three

So this chapter is the present time where beam fainted.....

Warning :-  little sexual abuse is there.......
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I slowly opened my eyes I see I am still where I fainted....  It's been almost a year and now I am getting used to it..

I grabbed my hairs in my fist..  It hurts  not my head but my heart....

Getting fainted,  becoming week,  weight loss,  regular throw up was the things which were not new to me now....

I still remember year back if I ever had even a slight cough ... Pha will nag me whole time until I become good again...  Kitty also become my mom and take care of me..  N'wayo become my personal chef and N'ming become my medicine  delivery boy ....

And forth...  He become my my personal staff... My body pillow no matter how much I ask him to stop he don't listen to me and hugged me whole night providing his warmth... 

I didn't understand it why I let him do whatever he wanted to do with me but know I know but it's too late

It's not like pha and kit stopped meeting me or caring for me.  They do , no they never stopped... 

It's me who has stopped caring about myself.....

I still regret my words and I know I should...

I should have stand with my love when he was getting humiliated...  if not as a lover but at least as a friend but no I didn't  and I know I can't ask for mercy.  

I tried to stand up so I stretched my hands and I touched something soft ....

I look at it and it was that invitation card......

I don't know how long I stared at that but I found my self tearing up again....

If I was not a stupid... If I was little brave then maybe that card would be for someone else with my and forth's name written on it.....

I know I have mastered different styles for writing...

"Forth weds beam"

Even tho I know it would never happen... No matter what and the reason is me and me only....

With blur vision,  aching head,  weeping heart I stood up and went inside my room .....

Ring ring ring...

My phone rang without. Checking the caller ID I know who is it...

Its pha or maybe kit only...

After what happened on 'that' day .. Pha and kit changed my ring tone so I can call them and pick their phone instantly...

"hello "    ah I was right it's pha...

"hi pha"     I asked cheerfully...

But after that incident in canteen he stopped becoming much friendly with me...  He cared for me genuinely,,,, for me  and because forth told him.. He only trust him and kit for me before he left......

"you took your meds today"    pha asked me plainly but I can feel he's worried...

"yes pha I did "  I answered him looking at the med bottle which is on my bed side table...

"you get it "    asked pha...

I know what he's referring to.. No matter what but we can still understand what other feel...

"yes I get the invitation... Don't worry I am ok"  

"hmm "   He hummed and cut the call...

I looked at my phone and tears of happiness weld up in my eyes..