STUDY BUDDIES. | hajeongwoo

52.

it took jeongwoo a whole lot of weeks before realization started hitting him. 

just when the tanned male arrived in the hospital, desperately looking almost every corner he's been familiar with in the hopes of hearing a single news about his mother whom he cared the most, more than anyone in the moment. 

when a nurse finally appeared and caught by his vision was when he came running for the third time and asked what has happened to the person he's been looking for, constant pants yet so futile resistance to put all of his attention to someone rather than himself at this day. luckily when the nurse pointed the direction on where to go next, the korean was already out of her sight. 

just when he finally arrived, multiple corners and white-colored walls that painted most of his vision, jeongwoo continued to catch his breath before standing right in front of a certain door— in which he suspected as her mother's room. 

a few more breathing before jeongwoo twisted the knob open, he wasn't really able to bring much anything such as food for an offering when her mother would finally greet him. he came from school after all, without having an opportunity to say goodbye to a friend, and treating another person rather harshly for times he could no longer count. 

jeongwoo could only plaster a small smile upon the sight of her mother beaming right at him after a probably dreadful treatment. jeongwoo wished he could afford more to actually treat her with her favorite sweets but right after he ended the contract, he struggled to fill in the hole of finance. 

the doctor actually warned him a few more things before he would arrive inside the room. fortunately giving out the news that her mother wasn't as weak-willed to not overcome such a long term disease and treatment, and that she deserved a lot of rest. all of these were familiar for him— being a medical student himself, he is already capable of taking care of a patient. 

"how are you, mom?" jeongwoo sat down near a chair to get a hold of her mother's hand, a still smile still stuck on his face as if it was mandatory, and the longer it stayed there the longer it probably felt to be so fraud. 

"why are you smiling like that?"

silence. 

"because im happy that you're fine—" 

"no, you're not." 

jeongwoo was taken aback after hearing her mom's blunt response, a smile finally turning into a frown as his gaze turned into a little more serious, in a matter. the tanned male could barely resist a sigh, looking away from the other before messing his hair as a coping mechanism— not really knowing where to start.

jeongwoo's existence turned weirdly vulnerable, switching into making small gestures he doesn't normally do as his mouth struggled to utter a word, albeit words were almost tripped at the end of his tongue. it was oddly disturbing, for her mother's perspective, to see her son struggle so much just to express himself about something he wanted to actually relieve from his heart. 

it was as if a sigh was infectious enough to make her mother sigh in defeat, realizing that maybe asking questions as a way of guide would enlighten the other and clear the fuzziness inside his mind. in spite of the fact that he was away from him for too long, and even unable to witness his growth throughout the years, she wasn't jeongwoo's mother for nothing if even she couldn't decipher what such small changes meant. 

"is it because of money? school? or love?"

jeongwoo widened his eyes in surprise for only a mere second before guarding up his barricade and acting like what his mother suspected wasn't the truth at all. was he a bad liar, or was it because it was too obvious for even her mother to pick up? as much as jeongwoo wanted to cry and embrace her for such comfort after a whole week of stressful predicament, jeongwoo just couldn't imagine himself being so vulnerable despite people that are around him being so susceptible to weakness. 

jeongwoo could only press his mouth shut for a minute, hesitating whether its a good decision to inform her mother about all the problems he's currently facing or keep it a secret until he'll find a way on his own and act like all of this has never happened.

the korean then opened his mouth agape to say something, eager to let his emotion be knowned because it was just his mother— someone who wouldn't judge him and would ready her ears the moment he says something but no— it wasn't the case, because in the end he found himself closing his mouth and shaking his head as an indication of refusal. 

he was scared.

to the point that her mother scolding her and calling him a disappointed haunted him. notwithstanding that it was irrelevant for him to be called as not being an overreactor, the amount of fear he had for being betrayed almost made him withdraw from the world— then maybe that can be called as exaggeration. 

the white-tiled floor wasn't that interesting to stare at, but it sure made the tan male avoid any sort of stare cast upon him. however, when her mother only gave out a chuckle as a reply, as it may appear like a mock but isn't actually one, was when jeongwoo could finally raise his head up. 

"if its because of money, then work again. if its because of school then try again. and if its because of love," she paused for a moment to plaster a gentle smile that made jeongwoo wash away with tranquil, tears almost making its way to fall to his cheeks as he could no longer suppress a single sniff. "if its because of love, then talk to him again." 

the other didn't know if this was because of a coincidence that her mother managed to accurately predict the things he's been to or was it actually a guess that was nothing but the absolute truth as he leaned his arms on his knees to support his upper proportion, hands intertwined in distress. 

as of the moment, he had no idea whether staying inside the room would make his heart feel at ease of if its space and time that could heal. realizing that what he needed was the latter option, jeongwoo tried to excuse himself nicely and had promised to come inside as fast as he could after a breakdown of emotions. 

locking out the door, jeongwoo had no time to meander around too far from the building. but by the looks of it, the area he's been was somehow secluded, and not much people would come and sneak in before they'd find a person so distraught in desperate in one of the corners of the hospital. 

the tanned male sat down the ground, back leaned against the wall as the brightly dim light could only cover half of his surrounding. it was a good thing, for a much better vibe— jeongwoo could only laugh at himself upon the thought before dispersing it after. it wasn't really the right time to laugh like an idiot when you're in pain, is it? 

hugging his knees, what his mother had suggested to him made him think for another round. a talk— and come to think of it, he wasn't really able to give out proper communication except when he met him during the club, and when he actually promised to himself that he'd come to talk it out properly after. he didn't, obviously, because all he did was push him away when he was the one who set aside his pride. 

he was so pathetic, if he thought of it. because he made haruto fix out whatever havoc he's been causing. haruto only made him hurt once— or maybe twice, or thrice at maximum. but when he recalled what he had been doing for his own sake and not for his, jeongwoo could only blame himself a couple of times until it'd hurt like hell. 

and this wasn't enough, when he tried to slam his head to distract himself from all the regret that started to fill him in a void even he could find, it was a matter of self isolation as he live with regrets or a matter of submission and give in to his sugarcoats. 

what he did earlier was the absolute worst. 

and what, this had only caused his heart to throb in rue, coiled in the chains of memories that triggered his regrets, as tears finally came running from his eyes like a waterfall as all the slamming intensified. it didn't hurt, it didn't hurt at all— because he deserved it, and he was awful, and he deserved all the hate haruto has been slowly storing. 

a talk. 

maybe he needed to talk this out with him after all. 

—

lmao im sorry for hurting jeongwoo here fr he's such a baby and here i am doing this im so sorry please don't attack me : (