STUDY BUDDIES. | hajeongwoo

53.

jeongwoo had to scurry to at least unlock his phone with his unending, trembling hands, despite not knowing what exactly is the right word to say just when he would reach out to him. it wasn't this hard talking to him before, even during when they were still strangers for each other- he managed to blurt out the words he needed to get even an inch closer.

but this time, just even a single "hello" would make him reach hell. he just couldn't, after all the horrible things he did until earlier, to talk to him like nothing has happened. like he never caused haruto to feel such massive confusion and blame himself for stuffs he did not notice yet, but why? he has given him so many clues as to what was wrong, but until this day, the japanese had never showed any rue for what he had seen.

how awful.

this time however, he had no time for hesitance as he looked over haruto's number in his list of contacts, tapping his finger over his knee in anxiety as he could barely resist to heave continuous sniff. for his free time as he waited for the male to answer, jeongwoo made advantage by thinking how the hell he would talk to haruto like he had the right to do so.

'hey, how have you been doing?' when he felt like it would appear somehow offending, he thought over a few casual phrases like 'its been a while' or an 'i know this is stupid of me but can we talk?' to appear as if it was casual. and it never occured to the tanned male that he would talk over things on the phone- that's just to irrational, or somehow invalid in some cases. because one; he needed to appear in front of him and carefully talk things out and two; he could never run away.

jeongwoo could only frown in response when he heard a monotone voice saying that he wasn't available. jeongwoo just had no choice but to wonder in curiosity after constant trials of reaching out to him, freaking finally, and now he's nowhere at sight. he never expected for this to happen, not when haruto has been wanting to reach out to him and have a calm, nice talk- and now he's just gone.

why?

misfortune has been hitting him so much today, he could only think of that, as he grabbed a handful of his hair and pull it out until his scalp would tear in frustration. now he's the one who's chasing when haruto has always been, and never did he expect for it to be so hard just to reach someone before.

and how would he be able to see him and attempt to have a conversation when the only way he could think of to communicate by him is by call? jeongwoo could only find himself drowning more and more towards the ocean of mystery- there's no way out to reach towards the surface and breathe in relief. not when he had no one to rely on as of the moment, drifting towards the atrocious fear that continued to consume him.

what a void, he could never fill by himself.

"haruto just fucking answer," jeongwoo cussed in aggravation, as he had to, standing up so abrupt that he had to lean on the wall after a second of squalmish. he was getting tired of hearing the same monotone voice he never really wanted to hear because he wanted the japanese' voice- that cold, stern yet sincere voice of his. he missed it and he can't deny.

how many times did jeongwoo try to get himself get washed over everything about haruto the past months? everything about him that he miss and he just couldn't say it out loud, not when part of this dilemma was all of his fault. for denying, neglecting him without even saying anything. not when haruto was kind enough to set aside his vanity and chase him until the end of the world, look for explanation he longed so long for him to utter. why was he not allowed to say anything at all?

why does haruto need to be so damn awful, hiding whatever there is to his family, their business, everything that revolves him. does haruto still need money so he had to come over family meetings? how does haruto act like when he's with his parents? how about with that girl? how about all his preferences? he is haruto's mutual yet he knew nothing, not even a single bit- all this time.

and jeongwoo, for the same reason, just couldn't admit how much he missed him. when he decided to compress all of his emotions inside to an already tight bottle, desperately trying to hide anything but can't. and no matter just how much he would say insults that he never did mean, push him away against his will until haruto would finally give up and let him go when he never really want to- he doesn't know what to do, if that would ever happen, because that's what he's been trying to make him feel all this time.

oh, just how much he missed seeing haruto almost doze off to sleep everytime they had a session inside the ever so familiar cafe that had thousand of memories held between them. how haruto's voice would soften when he would talk to him, and only him, about things that he's passionate about. how they would shower each other with cossets, just how much they adore each other- exchange a word of gratitude and affection.

"do you believe in fate?"

"i do."

"what made you believe in it?"

"because of you."

"and if something bad happened, will you give up?"

"never. but if you want me to do it so bad, then i have to."

"will you stay with me?"

"i will."

jeongwoo remembered, so damn well- the conversation they had when they sat on the viridescent grass, dew coating its leaves and even sticking to some of their pants. but none of it mattered, because that night was just so beautiful. and now that he think of it, he could only scream in agony, and so much longing it wouldn't be long until he'll get killed. because at this point he doesn't know whether he could relive the past or to only reminisce what he knew would slip away from his hands.

"if we part ways, what will you do?"

"i will tell the moon just how lucky i am for making you mine."

he hoped, that if they really had to part ways in the future, haruto would tell the moon just how precious he actually mean to him. just as he promised.