Obscene

P A N I C

Hey guys-

Updating Monday, 2:48 AM. I am updating later today as well.

Without further adieu, I present to you...

P A N I C 

*TRIGGER WARNING. SENSITIVE MATERIAL. MENTIONS OF R*PE AND ASS*ULT*

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED DUE TO SENSITIVE MATERIAL

zeno berkshire

She's asleep in my arms. Dozed off as she continued apologizing for being so nosy and budging in my past. I assured her multiple times that it was okay, and that she was only curious. She has every right to be curious given that things were already suspicious. I lay next to her with a heavy heart and dampened lids. 

The first part of healing from trauma is accepting it. Acknowledging that it happened. Taking charge of it all. Coming to terms with it rather than ignoring it and telling myself that it didn't happen. Continuously telling myself that it didn't happen, and that I initiated everything was a mistake. It not only scarred me for the rest of my bloody life, but it resulted in the actions I do now. 

I was raped. On multiple occasions. Sexually coerced multiple times. Pressured. Threatened.

I was raped.

Sexually assaulted. Multiple times. And I did nothing about it. Not a thing.

Up until I left. I left and never looked back. I managed to shove her down to the ground, though it felt like it wasn't enough. Nothing will ever be enough.

I choked her. I choked Eleanor. And yet why do I always end up with guilt? Why do I always end up with a guilty-ridden conscience? She raped me! Eleanor Farrell raped me MULTIPLE TIMES! And yet I'm the guilty one? 

She's a woman, Xenophilius. You don't ever put your hands on a woman like that.

But why is that she gets to walk around with confidence and pip even after raping me? 

Equal treatment? Right?

No. No, Xenophilius. She's a woman. Your mother would be ashamed. 

But your father would call you brave for standing up for yourself. 

No. You don't ever put your hands on a woman like that. 

I find myself defending her every time I want to hurt her. Why is that? I'm wired to respect women at all time, but why is it that I'm wired to respect a woman who raped me? Coerced me? Harassed me? 

Don't feel bad for her, Zeno.

Feel bad for her, Zeno.

No, don't feel bad for her. She raped you.

Feel bad for her, Zeno. You choked her. She couldn't breathe.

No, don't feel bad. Because of her, you find it hard to breathe when you're in large crowds. 

Feel bad for her, Zeno. There are red marks on her neck. And it's your fault. She's hurt because it's your fault. You put your hands on a woman and she's in pain because it's your fault. It's your fault.

Your own rape was your fault, Xenophilius. You should've kept saying no. She would've listened. You should've left her the moment she raped you. It's your fault. You did this to yourself. And you hurt her neck.