Broken || Little Mix ||

Chapter 20 - E

**TRIGGER WARNING**

My breath turns into shaky gasps as I wait for my ma to answer my Facetime call. I'm squeezing Perrie's hand so hard with my free one that both our knuckles are turning white. She doesn't complain or try to loosen my grasp but I'm sure it has to hurt.

My heart leaps into my throat as my mam's face suddenly appears on the screen. She's smiling at first but then her expression falters.

"Everything alright pet?" she asks right off the bat.

I glance at Perrie who gives me an encouraging nod. "Uh, no ma. Not exactly."

My voice breaks at this statement as the tears start to fall.

"Well spill it out then. No need to be nervous."

"Mum, please don't be mad but I haven't been honest with you...I'm not okay. I haven't been for a while. Not since Karl. I'm depressed. I haven't been eating. I'm an anxious mess. I'm having panic attacks and nightmares and I'm harming again. It's bad Ma."

I try to keep speaking but my voice catches in my throat as a sob wracks through my body. Perrie hugs me tightly, trying to soothe me a bit. I try to wipe the tears from my eyes, but I look back at my mum and see that she's crying as well. She takes a shaky breath before speaking.

"Jade, I know you haven't been okay. You're good at hiding it but I'm your Mam. I know when my daughter is hurting. I'm just relieved you're finally being honest with me and yourself. You need to get help pet. When will you be coming home?"

I throw Perrie a nervous glance, knowing she isn't going to like what I'm about to say.

"The label is aware of what's going on and they want me to stay on tour. There's too much riding on it. They want me to do Skype sessions with a counselor and I was going to contact Dr. Richards and see if she'll take me back as a patient. I'm going to be rooming with the girls so I'm not alone and Paul is going to regularly check my things to make sure I don't have anything I shouldn't."

I'm hoping by explaining all the new safety measures that it'll appease her anxiety over this a bit. It doesn't seem to work.

"Are they aware of your history? If I'm understanding correctly then these things have been going on for months Jade. The stress of the tour can't be helping ya," she protests.

I nod. "I know and it's not but I'm contractually obligated to finish it. I don't have much of a choice. It's entirely up to them on if I'm getting sent home. Plus, if I do then they might cancel the entire tour. It's not fair to the girls."

She sighs and nods her head. "I understand. I don't like it, but I understand. Please promise me that if it gets worse you'll have them revisit the topic. I'll go down to London myself if I have to."

"I promise ma."

"And don't wait so long in between calling me. I haven't spoken to you in five days. If all of this is going on, then I want regular check-ins. I won't rest easy knowing you aren't okay."

"I'll call every other day. I promise."

The two of us go quiet, not knowing what else to say on the topic. Ma seems to understand that I can't handle talking about this more than I have at the moment so she decides to try and change the topic.

"Have you talked to Leoni recently?" she asks.

I shake my head. "I haven't heard from her in a bit. I was going to reach out soon. I spoke to Shireen and baby Karl a couple days ago, but Leoni was at football practice."