Broken || Little Mix ||

Chapter 9

*TRIGGER WARNING*

I fidget in front of the computer screen uncomfortably. It shows me in a virtual waiting room, waiting for the counselor that Sam set up to log on. It's been two days since I talked to Paul. He immediately got us on a conference call with some of the management team and a member of the PR team. They quickly got in touch with a therapist and set up an appointment for me to do today, on our first off day since Amsterdam. I've been sober since then. The other girls have been watching me like hawks and I haven't had the balls to risk anything. Today while everyone else explores Germany, I'm stuck in the backroom of the bus, anxiously awaiting a session where I'm supposed to bare my heart and soul to a complete stranger. Lovely.

I jump a bit as the screen changes and a thirty-something woman smiles back at me.

"Hi Jade, I'm Dr Greensman but you can call me Olivia. I understand this is a bit awkward and not the ideal circumstances for our first session but the team seemed to think it important that we start right away. How are you doing today?"

Her voice is kind and compassionate, a trade of the job that she has.

"I'm okay," I say shortly.

Olivia nods, smiling warmly. "So why don't you tell me why exactly it is that we are meeting? I understand you've been going through a lot lately."

I fidget again, playing with my fingers anxiously. As nice as she seems, I don't want to talk to Olivia at all, but I don't have much of a choice. Jesy got the other girls to agree to mutiny and said they'd go straight to Paul and tell him everything if I don't.

"Yeah, well, me brother passed away a few weeks ago from a drunk driving accident and it's just been downhill from there. There's the stress of the tour, the countless interviews and press meetings. The paps have been up our arses. It's just been a lot lately and I guess I've been getting pretty moody," I begrudgingly explain.

"I'm sorry for your loss. Were you two close?"

"Extremely."

"I can imagine how hard it's been for you and going through that in the public eye can't help. Has everyone around you been supportive?" Olivia asks.

I nod. "Yeah, for the most part, they've all been pretty good. Being there for me and all."

"Now I see in your past history that you've been in treatment for anorexia and depression before. How have those conditions been lately?"

I sigh at her questions. The more of them that she asks the more closed off I feel myself getting. The tension in my muscles is building and I take a deep breath, willing myself to relax a bit and try to make this as beneficial as possible.

"I've been trying to eat normally but it's been tough. I don't have much of an appetite. It's not like last time where I'm trying to lose weight or anything. I just can't seem to be bothered to take care of myself," I say.

"And the depression?"

"It's been hitting me full force as of late," I admit.

Olivia nods again and jots a few things down before delving into my past history. What it was like for me growing up, how my parents' relationship was, losses I suffered as a child, the bullying I went through at school. Anything and everything that she deems relevant, I am forced to confess. Half an hour has gone by when she starts getting into the heavier stuff.

"Any history of self-harm?" she asks.

I pause before giving a slight nod.

"When was the last time you partook in it?"