Broken || Little Mix ||

Chapter 28 - E

After what seems like hours, I hear the sliding door open behind me. I don't bother turning around to see who it is. Instead, I stay staring out across the city as tears seep out of my eyes. I've been reduced to a sobbing, snotty, shivering mess in my time out here.

"Oh Jade," I hear Jesy say. She steps up behind me, wrapping her arms around my torso.

"Jesus Christ babes, you're freezing. Leigh, grab a blanket!"

She starts rubbing her hands up and down my arms, trying to use friction to warm my body up. Leigh comes outside, looking confused but nonetheless, holding the requested blanket. Jesy quickly snatches it from her and wraps it around me tightly before enveloping me in another hug. Leigh quickly follows suit, trying to awkwardly hug me tightly around the blanket. I don't move at all during this whole ordeal. Instead, I'm frozen in spot, not from the weather but rather from my ever increasingly numb emotional state.

"What's all the yelling about?" I hear Pez call out.

The second she steps outside and takes us in, she wastes no time in joining in on the group hug. We stay like that for what feels like forever. Just the four of us, standing as the wind whips around us and cars honk from the streets down below.

"Babes? Why don't we go inside?" Perrie finally asks.

I don't respond but they seem to take my silence as an agreement as they detach themselves from my blanket cocoon. Pez keeps her arm wrapped around my shoulders and guides me as I shuffle back inside the room. She leads me to the edge of the bed and sits me down then climbs on next to me. She crosses her legs and rests her head on my shoulder comfortingly as Leigh and Jes pull over the desk chair and the foot rest to sit in front of us.

"Talk to us," Leigh says simply.

I start to shake my head in protest. I'm exhausted and already crying. The last thing I want to do right now is bare my heart and soul to them when we have to wake up in a few hours time but Jesy has other plans.

"No," she says.

I raise my eyebrows at her. "No?" I ask back, my voice incredibly shaky.

"You heard what I said. You aren't holding this in. I'm sick of this Jade. Whether you can admit it or not, you aren't handling this well on your own at all. I was trying to be nice and give you your space because normally you either figure it out or you talk about it when the time is right. You aren't doing either of those. I've seen you cry more in the last six months than I have in the entire time I've known you. Keeping everything inside is eating you alive and I'm done with just being sat by and watching it happen. Now talk."

I don't say anything for a minute, unsure of where to start. Obviously, I'm not having a say in this but in all honesty, there's a million things going through my head right now. I scrunch up my face in thought, not knowing how to proceed.

"Babes?" Pez says from beside me.

I turn my head, just now noticing that she's raised hers from my shoulder and has now adjusted herself to be facing me.

"Yeah?" I finally say.

"What are you thinking about?"

"That I don't even know what to say or where to start. There's a lot of things wrong right now," I laugh dryly. None of them join in with me though.

"What's the first thing that comes to mind?" Leigh asks gently.

"The tour."

"What about it?"

And so I explain. I launch into a lengthy tirade on how because of my actions alone, I've collectively put all of our careers in jeopardy. Not just us four, but the entire team of dancers, crew members and miscellaneous people that rely on us for jobs. How, because the tour will probably get cancelled, I've let down hundreds of thousands of fans who have been looking forward to this and supporting us for so long. How, more than likely, because of me, Little Mix probably won't be around long enough for us to make another album.

When I finish with that explanation, I don't stop. Sharing a small piece has torn down whatever makeshift dam I had hastily built up to store away all of my problems and unwanted emotions. I continue explaining how I've let my entire family down. I have no idea how I'm going to face my mom or try to be an aunt to Leoni and Karl with the horrible example that I've set. I go into how I've lost Clarke, and while I know they don't like him, he was at least trying to help and he made me feel normal.

Most of all, I explain how in the end, everything all goes back to Karl. How without him, I feel lost and like I have absolutely no direction. I didn't know it until he was gone but he was a huge part of my support system and who I am as a person in general. How his death also killed a part of me that I will never get back. I hate myself for not being home enough to spend time with him and the rest of my family. There were so many moments and memories I missed out on and now I'll never have the chance to make them up. I can't forgive myself for it and I don't think I ever will.

By the time I've finished, all four of us, not just me, are sobbing hysterically. I clutch onto Perrie's jacket, willing it's cotton fibers to give me some sort of comfort or strength to pull myself together.

"I miss him so fucking badly," I cry.

She tightens her hold on me, gripping me back just as hard. "I know you do Jade. I know. It's going to be okay."

"How do you know that?" I ask desperately.

"Because when the four of us are together we are a force to be reckoned with," Jesy answers.

"We can't control what the repercussions of this are going to be but we aren't going to blame you for this. If anything this is all of our faults. We should have insisted the tour was postponed or at least argued for you to have more time off. The fans would've understood," Leigh adds.

Perrie rubs my back, continuing to soothe me. "Whatever happens, happens. We were planning on finding a new deal after our contract expires anyways. This might just give us more motivation to do so. We have some of the most understanding fans in the world. The second they hear that any of this relates to your health, they'll have our backs."

"If they supported us through all the shit we've put them through this far, they'll support us while we regroup and get back out there," Jes reasons.

"I'm so sorry," I finally say. It comes out barely louder than a whisper but they all hear it clearly, as indicated by their nods.

"I'm sorry for everything. For the way I've been acting. For lying to you all. For all the problems I've caused."

"I don't know about them, but I forgive you Jade. I'm upset you felt the need to hold everything in and deal with it alone but I can somewhat understand," Jes replies.

"I forgive you too," Leigh says. She reaches out, patting my leg for added assurance.

"Me three. But you have to promise that you'll talk to us. And whatever happens, whether this tour continues or you get sent home or whatever, you have to promise that you'll get help and you'll actually try. No more just going through the motions," Perrie says sternly.

I nod my head a couple times, letting her know I got the message. "I promise."

"No matter what happens, like we've always said since day one: friendship first, band second. You'll always have us. Don't worry for one second about that," Leigh adds in.

"Thank you."

I say it as sincerely as possible and it emits a smile from all three of them.

"You're welcome. Now I love you and I'm so happy that you opened up, but it's late and we have to be up in three and a half hours' time. Let's get to bed," she chirps.

After one more group hug, we all climb under the covers, restlessly trying to get some sleep.