Broken || Little Mix ||

Chapter 45 - E

Perrie

Jesy, Leigh-Anne, and I are gathered in the back lounge of the bus with the dancers, waiting for Paul. He roused all of us out of our bunks despite it being four in the morning and the fact that we all had just managed to fall asleep. I'm particularly pissy because I know we have to be up at seven for a round of radio press and I'm already not a morning person. I need my sleep just as much as I love food.

"What is this about?" I groan from my slumped position on the couch.

"We know as much as you princess," Jesy snaps back, just as annoyed.

"Will both of you shut up? My head is pounding," Leigh complains, pinching the bridge of her nose.

The two of us pipe down as Claude places a comforting hand on my back and I scowl at the floor, wondering what's taking Paul so long. If it was so urgent to drag us out of bed then he should be here by now. A silence drags out, only interrupted by someone's occasional shifting or coughing. It's another few minutes until Paul enters the back lounge. His demeanor sets off panic inside me and makes me sit up straight.

Paul's eyes are red, holding back tears and his hands are shaking. I've never seen him like this. Actually, I've only ever seen him in three different moods. Calm and business-like, pissed off because one of us did something stupid, and occasionally happy when his football team wins or, more rarely, when we manage to actually get him to let loose and have some fun.

It seems to have had the same effect on everyone else, who has sat up as well, worry and fear plastered on their faces.

"Paul what's wrong?" Leigh asks gently.

"Um, I-I don't know how to say this but...I guess I should start at the beginning," he says, his voice cracking slightly. "Uh, as you know Jade missed her therapy session yesterday. Sam and Norma weren't any more successful than you lot at getting in touch with her."

At the mention of my best friend's name, my heart jumps into my throat. Tears quickly flow from my eyes as my mind races to all of the worst conclusions. My hand tightly grips Claude's leg, nails digging into his pants. The three of us have been worried ever since Sam said she went AWOL and she didn't answer our messages either. Our show last night was full of mistakes and missed cues, none of us focused on what we were doing. It's the reason we couldn't fall asleep.

"A slew of articles just got released. Someone leaked information and we don't know who."

"What did they say?" Leigh asks.

"Fucking hell," Jesy mutters. We all turn to her and see her staring at her phone, already scrolling through articles.

"'A Look into Jade Thirlwall's Life Without Little Mix.' 'Breaking: Syco rumored to be dropping Little Mix upon completion of their world tour due to difficulties with Thirlwall.' 'Exclusive Interview with Little Mix Insider: What Has Jade Thirlwall been up to?' Whoever fucking did this better run when I find them."

I'm not listening to her though. I'm on my own phone scrolling through articles. Each one goes into detail on how Jade has either been getting drunk or high and self harming to cope with her struggles. It makes me sick. I look back at Paul and realize he's waiting for us to get over this initial shock before continuing.

"What else aren't you saying?" I ask him. My question succeeds in quieting down everyone else, giving Paul our attention again.

"Sam spent two hours trying to get a hold of Jade this morning before she decided to call for a welfare check. Um, when she got there...she...Jade tried to kill herself. She's in surgery now and they're saying it's touch and go. She's lost a lot of blood and they had to resuscitate her on the way to the hospital. If she makes it out of surgery then she's going to be under heavy sedation for a while and they won't know when she'll wake up. We're cancelling the rest of the tour and AJ already adjusted course for the airport. We're on the first flight out."

In that instant, my entire world comes crashing down around me. A million thoughts run through my head but the number one thought is: why? Why the hell would she do this? How could she do this to us? To herself?

My ears ring. My hands shake. My breaths come in ragged gasps. I can't hear anything around me. I'm unaware of everything and everyone else. I'm slightly aware of sinking to my knees on the floor, staring at my trembling hands. I feel numb as pure adrenaline courses through my veins.

Memories start to flash through my mind. Meeting her during boot camp. All of us singing for the first time together. Winning X Factor. Going on our first headlining tour. Going on random, spontaneous trips to Disneyland. Traveling back to South Shields more times than I can count. Endless movie marathons. Countless crying sessions followed by eating our weight in junk food. All of our shopping trips and nights out. It all comes flooding back to me in an instant and it's too much for me to handle.

I feel Leigh and Jesy wrap their arms around me, trying and pleading with me to breathe but I can't. It feels like something is constricting my throat and pressing the air out of my lungs. Someone is screaming and it takes me a second to realize it's me. Is this what a panic attack is? Is this what Jade has been going through countless times a week? My heart beats in my ears as black spots dance across my vision. The last thing I see as I pass out is the white of the carpet as it rushes up to greet me.