*Jenzie* Beautiful Disaster

Chapter XXIII

Chapter 23

Release

Kenzie

The ride to Johnny's house was silent, but it was a comfortable kind of silence. His hand never left mind we both stay glued to the gear shift, I almost hoped he'd let go at times worrying my hands would clam up from my nerves, but his touch at the same time was so calming.

Johnny had told me earlier in the ride that his brother had spent the night at a friends, that the house was empty and quiet so we could talk. 

How the hell do you tell the guy you love about your trauma?

Fuck.

Tell me I don't.

Tell me I did not just say 'love'.

I guess that's why I'm more nervous than I should be. Over time I've grown too fond of him, despite our ups and downs and the time period we've know, he's made me feel a feeling i know i've never felt before.

So how do I tell him everything?

I don't know how it happened, but next thing I know we're in Johnny's house sitting on his large grey sectional in the living room. A few lights are dimmed but Johnny has a background show muted on the tv and two cups of hot chocolate and mini marshmallows on the coffee table.

He approaches me on the sofa and hands me one of his sweatshirts, one which by the feel of it, will eat me whole considering our size difference. I strut off to the bathroom around the corner and plop on his hoodie and slipping on a pair of shorts he handed me too.

I came back out to see Johnny comfortably sprawled out on the couch where I sat with his hot chocolate in hand and his gaze set on mine.

I approached him, my bare feet patting against the hardwood before reaching his soft carpet and slipped next to him with one leg folded under the other. 

I grabbed the hot chocolate and sipped it. It was the perfect temperature, the marshmallows had partially melted making the chocolate slightly creamier. 

Johnny handed me his, "Wanna try?" I gave him a questionable look but took the cup from his hand taking a sip. 

Yuck.

"Whiskey? Really? Could have at least warned me." He laughed before slipping up onto his elbows and pushing back, his head rested on my thigh, just like we always saw when on the couch, or laying down.

"Want some, might calm your nerves?" He handed me a flask I could tell was about filled to the brim with cold whiskey. I took the flask flicking the top of and put the cold metal to my lips drinking all its contents before gently wiping my lip with the back of my thumb. I handed Johnny back the flask.

"I didn't expect you to drink the whole thing." His eyebrows raised as i glanced down at his face leaning on my lap.

"You have no idea how nervous I am." I laughed and Johnny tucked away his flask into his pocket.

"Where do I start?" I continued.

"Wherever you want."

If only it were that simple.

"Johnny," I think he could sense the shakiness in my voice, it radiated my anxiety for the story I was about to tell him may seem like a story to him, but it's been my reality.

"Take your time, please." He responded before grabbing onto my hand and pressing it against his chest to feel is rhythmic heartbeat. 

It was racing, maybe even faster than mine. "See?" He started, "I'm fucking nervous to because I'm laying on this girl who came into my life and flipped everything around for me. For good. The same girl I'm too protective of and the same girl I hope stays in my life."

The silence burned between us but I could tell he had something more to say. "I'm scared because I don't know how I'm supposed to hear about this without losing it. How I'm supposed to be 'okay' with everything you've gone through knowing I couldn't do anything."

"Johnny," It seemed like the only word I could really form was his name, not that I was complaining and it didn't seem like he was either.

His name felt like poetry slipping off my tongue.

I took a deep breath. Closed my eyes. 

My subconscious mind tried to figure out the words to say before I spoke them, it was my attempt to explain the situation in a way that would make the most sense, and followed chronological order.

Ashton was my best friend. He verbally abused me. Assaulted me. Befriended my abusive step-father. Became a rapist.

I killed my dad. He had to come get me.

Jase abused me and my mom. He raped me. He let people rape me. He used me for his own profit. Raped my mom. Made her watch as he took advantage of me.

He killed my mom. She committed suicide because of him.

Ashton is back. Claiming me all over again, and Jase will stop at nothing to make sure the ends are tied. I was supposed to die in that house, now that I'm here, he'll come back for me. They both will.

Suddenly the series of events forming in my head started to feel insane. And it was a surface level description that didn't involve the depths of what happened.

What the hell was I thinking?

I can't tell Johnny this, fuck.

I can't tell anyone.

"I-" What was i supposed to say now. 

"My biological name is Aria Mae Walker, I had to change my name because-" Words caught in my throat. Was I really about to tell him about the assault?

"Because Jase is a criminal, my step-dad is a criminal." That was what I chose to tell him, it technically wasn't a lie but it did leave a pit in my stomach, guilt.

I wanted to tell him the truth. He had been honest with me time and time again, he had proved he was there for me but I couldn't bring myself to say the words without it cutting me open from the inside.

"Aria," My name slipped off his tongue so gently it sent shivers down my spine. No one ever said my name like that, not that he did anything but say it.

"I like it, a lot." He finished before smiling up and me. My head lowered and my tear filled eyes connected with his. I couldn't help but smile, and neither could he.

He raised his hand and it stayed on the back of my neck.

"Can I be selfish for a second?" He said not once tearing his eyes away from mine. Though he didn't directly say anything, I knew what he was talking about and he was the first person who never truly made me feel uncomfortable. It was like I always felt safe with him no matter what and he'd never push or pressure me.

"Please." My quiet voice responded. I wasn't sure if he heard but his smile widened and he lifted his head, pulling mine down with his hand behind my neck. 

Suddenly his soft lips were on mine.

It felt like a firework.

A flip of a switch.

But it only made me feel worse for lying.