*Jenzie* Beautiful Disaster

Chapter XIX

Chapter 19

Deep Asleep

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"Dad, can you come pick me up from school early, volleyball got cancelled because of the weather, mom said she's still at work?" I spoke through the phone hoping my dad would say yes or i'd have to stay another few hours til mom could. "I was on my way home so it'll be a bit longer i have to turn around."

"don't worry about it i can wait for mom." i was quick to respond, he didn't need to be driving all around town because of me. "Nonsense, i don't want you to be out in this weather." He hung up and i closed the top of my flip phone turning it off. My parents thought i was too young to be spending all my time on electronics or social media. I agreed and it honestly never really bothered me.

I grabbed my bag tossing it over my shoulder and sat on the bench at the front door looking through the glass waiting.

I had waited for almost an hour, i knew home wasn't far away and just as i was getting up to see if he parked further away, my moms car shredded into the parking lot, you could tell she was going far over the speed limit. She rolled down the window yelling "Get in the Car Aria!" For the most part my mom was a very calm person, that's how i knew something was horribly wrong. I never questioned it, i just got into the car as she sped off into a hospital's parking lot

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"I'm so sorry, your husband made a u-turn and the oncoming traffic never stopped. He didn't make it, i'll let you and your family in to visit."

I stood at his bedside holding his big, cold, lifeless hand in mine, not ready to let go. "I-It's all my fault, he was turning around, for me..."

My mom sniffled holding in her cries trying to stay strong. "It's not your fault baby, it's not, you're not to blame." But i knew, that it was more to convince her that me. I knew she blamed me, i could see it in her eyes, and i could see it in her eyes the rest of our lives.

8 years ago she lost her husband, and the image she once had of her child.

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Stop! What's going on? That was 8 years ago, i-i can't remember where i am.

"Kenzie-" that voice sounded all too familiar but i couldn't tell who. "Kenzie you need to wake up. Please." Wait.

"Johnny?!"

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My mom started coming home later than usual. I knew it was because she had finally met someone, it had only been over a year, but you could tell she needed someone in her life, someone that wasn't me. She never got over his death and she will still cry to this day, but it's nice to see her distracted from the pain.

I got to meet him, his name was Jase. He seemed interesting to say the least, but if he made her happy then i didn't care.

I still walk by the road where my dads accident took place, i still see it everyday when i walk to school. I no longer wanted to be driven or picked up, i couldn't stand the thought of it anymore, and mom didn't have a problem with it either.

I noticed mom never really had time for me anymore, or anything, her job would call the house a lot asking if she was coming in, it all started when Jase began spending more time with us, she lost all her priorities.

I noticed, all too late, that Jase was affecting her, and it just seemed to keep progressively get worse. Something that happened so small over so much time, something hardly noticeable, but i noticed. I saw what he was going to her, maybe not while it was happening, but i saw what was left of her after they were together.

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I saw her leave her room at noon, she was supposed be at work and i stayed home because i was sick. Instead she yawned dragging her support-less body down the stairs as though she was learning how to walk again. She still hadn't noticed me, i sat on the couch, books in hand working on anything i would have missed today. But she went back upstairs and i didn't see her til the next day.

I noticed that land lord coming around more than usual. Mom was behind on the rent but she wasn't making any money because she was always home. Jase just stayed at our house rent free and drank all day at bars or picked up beer at our closest liquor store.

I stayed caught up on my school work, mom always expected the best in me despite how things have somewhat changed. She never has time for me anymore. I began to grow up in a household where i was just a burden, a nuisance. It was always my mom with Jase, always "sorry Aria, maybe another time."

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Aria Mae Walker. My biological name. A name i adored now that i no longer had it. Kenzie Ziegler was my new alibi, the person i had become over these year, the person that covered my tracks.

I had lived and grown up most of my life, once my dad died, feeling like i was never enough, like no one would ever truly love me. I felt like that for so long, until i met these people who let me into their lives after such a short time period, who stood up with me and defended me, people who gave me wonderful memories. People i wanted to live for.

But many parts of me wanted to give up while i was locked in this coma. Many parts of me knew i didn't have much to go back to. No family, just the constant threat of two people in my life who had learned to hate me. People i would never be able to escape, and even if i could, god, after what they've done to me- i... i don't know if i want to keep living with that. Living in a world where no one understands or really even knows what i've had to go through.

It was never a one time experience. It happened, so many times, too many times. The perfect amount that leaves you physically damaged and mentally broken. No one would ever want anything to do with me if they knew. If they knew i was constantly sexually assaulted and abused by my step father, and my best friend. My ex best friend. For all those years yet never did anything about it. I let them shatter my head with horrible thoughts and i let them use me for themselves.

I hate myself.

I should have fought.

I don't deserve to wake up.

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"Kenzie?" a delicate voice broke through to my consciousness. "I'm sorry." this apology ripped through my head. "I don't know fully what happened, but i'm sorry i ever let anyone hurt you. I'm sorry i wasn't there to protect you." It's not your fault. I wanted to wake up and scream at the top of my lungs just for a moment and then return back to this peace. "Ever since i first saw you, you had caught my eye in an instant, i was a shitty person for what happened that day but i don't think i have a bigger regret in life than the way i had treated you." Johnny? "And ever since ive gotten to know you, i caught feelings, i caught feelings for who i thought was the most perfect girl on the planet, but now i see she's not so perfect after all. And that only makes me more interested. I don't know what you're thinking or if you can hear me, but wake up and let me show you that you're worth it."