Yours truly ; Charlie Weasley

Five

"Maybe you should write a diary dedicated to Charlie." Avalon said when we ate dinner later that night. Amber was telling Mahlon about her day after she had already told Avalon and I about it earlier.

"A diary dedicated to the guy that broke my heart?" I laughed. "Absolutely not."

"Not like that." She smiled softly at me. "Get your frustrations out. Act like you write a diary, but instead of the whole dear diary shit, write dear Charlie and go from there. I think it could help you move on."

I shrugged and guided some pasta into my mouth while thinking about what my sister just suggested.

"I bought you a diary just in case you decide to do it." Avalon continued. "I put it on the desk in your room when I got home from work. All you need is a quill or a pen. Consider it, yeah? I really think it would be good for you to tell him what's on your mind without him actually reading it."

Alright maybe that didn't sound completely idiotic. I could definitely give it a try. Maybe in a day or two.

I lost things because of Charlie. I lost him and I lost our baby. I was pregnant when he left.

Surprise!

I had an abortion. Charlie left me so I didn't want to keep the baby and raise it without the father in the picture. If he didn't leave, maybe we could be expecting our child together.

That's one of the other things I hate about this. That I didn't get to become a mum like I'd always wanted. The only way I'd want to be a parent is if he could be the father. If we were in a relationship and we wanted to raise it together. I didn't want to do it on my own.

After dinner, I helped Mahlon wash the dishes while Avalon drew Amber a bath. They had a rule in their home, just like the rule Avalon and I grew up with at home.

No magic indoors.

When I was finished helping Mahlon, I put on some shoes and a jacket and then left the house. They lived near a forest and a river so sometimes I'd just go for a walk along the river, looking at the water and the fish in it, then at the trees and the birds.

Sometimes I'd sit by the water and just cry. Since Charlie left I had felt so broken and I didn't know what to do about myself. I don't think my siblings knew half of what was going on inside my head.

After all, some of them were in relationships. Avalon was happily married with a daughter. Crispus was married too. He married Carrie Littletree right after he finished Hogwarts. I think Valencia is dating some guy and then there're my younger brothers who are both crushing on Luna Lovegood.

Today was one of the days were I sat by the water and cried. I thought back to all the memories with Charlie.

I remember waking up to him. Most mornings he'd be up first but some mornings I'd wake up first, then he'd slowly wake up afterwards. He was always so clingy when he was tired and I loved it. I loved experiencing clingy Charlie.

One morning I woke up and I went to the balcony to watch the view. It was summer and it was hot outside. I was wearing only his white t-shirt and shortly after he joined me, his strong arms wrapped around my waist while he planted millions of kisses on my neck and my shoulder.

I miss you, you idiot.

"It's quite beautiful, isn't it?" Mahlon's voice came from somewhere behind me. Then he sat down next to me and handed me a cup of coffee while having his own cup too. "When we moved here was the first time I've ever seen water so clear."

I sobbed and wiped my cheeks, nodding slowly while forcing a smile.

"You can see all the fish."

"You can see all the fish." He repeated through a laugh. He looked at me and I raised the cup to my mouth, taking a sip of the coffee. "Are you okay?"

I looked at Mahlon, then scoffed and looked away. I closed my eyes for a short second, taking another sip of the coffee.

"That's such a stupid question."

"Why's that?"

I hate being asked if I'm okay. It makes me want to cry and I'm already crying. I don't need more tears and I don't need more sorrow.

"Because you don't want to know." I said. "No one ever means it. They all ask because they just assume you'll say 'yes', they don't know what to say or what to do if it's a no."

Mahlon took a deep breath and shrugged while he took a sip of his own coffee.

"I'm gonna ask you again— are you okay?"

"No."

"Wanna talk about it?"

I sighed, lifting the cup back to my lips. I did want to talk about it but I never know what to say or how to say it. I looked at Mahlon and playfully nudged him with my shoulder as I laughed softly.

"It's just stress." I lied. "With the company and the shop and all. Now I also have to consider if I want to open business for magazines. Luna Lovegood and her father wants to partner with me."

Mahlon raised his eyebrows in surprise, a smile creeping onto his face.

"Yeah? I think that's a lovely idea."

"Valencia thinks so too." I shrugged. "She says it's an opportunity to earn some more money."

"I mean—" Mahlon inhaled sharply. "She's not wrong."

I drank the rest of the coffee, swallowing it in one large sip. Then I took the cup from Mahlon's hands and drank that too.

"I just— alright." He breathed. "I'll go make myself a new cup and drink it somewhere you're not."

He stood up and smiled at me as he grabbed both cups from my hands.

"Are you gonna be okay?" He asked. When I nodded, he mumbled an 'okay', then made his way back along the river, towards the house.

I leaned back, my hands on the ground. I tilted my head back, staring up at the sky and the top of the trees.

It was so peaceful and quiet here. It was nice but it also made it easier for my mind to think about Charlie.

I wonder what he's doing right now.

He's probably taking a shower. He had a routine and he almost always took a shower at this time of the day. Sometimes I'd join him and we'd end up making out against the glass screen.

-
Dear Charlie,

Avalon bought me a diary and told me to write in it like I'm writing to you. She figures it'll help me get my frustrations out on you so here goes nothing.

You're a fucking idiot.

I hate you.

I love you, but I hate you.

Why'd you leave me, eh? Because I tried to be strong for you? Because I tried to be there for you through your grief?

Fuck you.

You obviously don't realize what you lost when you disapparated from our loft that afternoon.

Still I miss you. I miss what we were, I miss the fun we had together. I miss waking up next to you, I miss kissing you, getting your cuddles.

I miss you.

Yours truly,
Ember Coil