Lover| IT

Panic Attacks

E.K

It's like everyone knows something I don't and it's bothering me. They met up yesterday without me because Myra was in one of her moods and didn't want me hanging out with anyone but her. I feel left out. I don't like that they know something I don't.

"What's up, Eddie?" Beverly asks, sensing that I'm deep in my own thoughts. I do that a lot. Think too much. That's why I normally have my head in a book all the time. Beats me being alone with my brain.

"I just...feel like something important happened and I don't know what it is." I say. I'm at the coffee shop with Beverly and Stanley. We're watching for Richie and we're all going to study together. Bev and Stan glanced at one another and they look back at me." Something did happen, didn't it? Can I know?"

"It's probably best that Richie tells you." Stanley states and I sigh. Of course the guy that's running late is the one to tell me. I bite my nails nervously and Bev notices. She shoots me a reassuring smile and I smile back.

I'm wearing a brown jumper over a white shirt that's tucked into some black pants. This is me not formal, unlike when I attend class, when I wear suits. We have to wear suits in finance. To prepare us for our future jobs. Stan's wearing a blue T-shirt and some black jeans whilst Beverly is wearing a white blouse tucked into a red skirt.

"Sorry I'm late!" We hear Richie say and we turn to look at him. For once, he isn't dressed too bad. He's wearing a black hoodie and some jeans. He smiles as he sits down beside me and I smile back." I forgot my cigarettes."

"Is that really important?" I ask and I notice he's carry a Target bag.

"Obviously. We're doing an all-nighter, Eds, and I've been addicted to Nicotine since age twelve. Plus, Bev needs her smoking buddy." Richie explains and Beverly smiles. Then, he places the bag in the table and it's full of monster and snacks that I wouldn't eat.

"Oh god that looks like a heart attack in a bag." I say and I almost gag. I reach for my non-existent inhaler. I should probably get one of those.

"It's an all-nighter." Richie repeats and even Stan doesn't look impressed." We are gonna need caffeine, my friend. Lots of it."

"Surely drinking caffeine and having ADHD isn't a good mix." Stanley states as Richie hands us all a can of Monster each. I take mine hesitantly and place it on my part of the table.

"Well, Rachel and I both drink caffeine and we both have ADHD and we're fine." Richie chuckles and Stanley rolls his eyes with a smile. Richie finally sits down and smiles at me. My side of the table is super neat. My notepad is open and so is my finance work book. My pencil case nicely presented and even Stanley seems impressed by how neat I am. His side is neat too and so is Beverlys. But, Richie just throws his books on the desk and gets out a pen that looks as if it's running out of ink.

"Rich, I think you have something to tell Eddie." Beverly says as we all begin to work. Richie's handwriting is still as messy as ever. He got straight A's but the teachers always complained about his handwriting. I say mine is sort of neat. But not as neat as Beverlys and Stanley's.

"Huh?" Richie says, looking up at her. She raises an eyebrow and he looks at me. I look back at him blankly." Oh, right. Well, I hate that you're the last to know but your girlfriend wouldn't let you out to play so that's on her."

"Beep beep, Richie." Stanley warns and it's obvious Richie is just rambling because he's nervous. He looks like he's going to be sick.

"Ah, okay. Well, spaghetti man, I'm gay." He says and I just blink in response. Oh no. I was hoping he wouldn't say that. I've been questioning if I'm gay or not. I don't want Richie's coming out to confirm my own sexuality for me.

"Oh." I manage to say and he seems a little disappointed by my response." Uh, okay. That's cool. Awesome. Proud of you for sharing that."

"You don't seem too thrilled." He says and he seems really hurt. I really am happy for him but I'm trying not to panic myself. I can feel tears and I don't know why.

"Of course I'm thrilled. I really am thrilled. You're being yourself!" I say and a tear falls from my eye. I wipe it away quickly, hoping no one noticed. But they're all staring at me. Richie looks really really upset. He shoots me an odd look and turns away, highlighting and annotating a script for his class.

I try and stop my tear flow and I cover my mouth, leaning into my hand that's propped up against the table as I write something to do with finance. Stan kicks me under the desk and I look at him. He tilts his head to the side and I shrug. I feel a panic attack coming on. Oh not now!

"Excuse me. I need to use the restroom." I squeak out, rushing to the bathroom. The three watch me as I rush away.

I get to the bathroom and turn on a tap, trying to calm my breathing down. My chest is tight and my throat feels like it's closing up. Oh god. Oh GOD. I think I'm dying. I cup my hands together, fill them with water and then splash it in my face. It cools me down, considering my body felt as if it were on fire. Get a grip, Eddie! You're ruining Richies moment. This was Richie's coming out and you made it about yourself because you're scared of your own sexuality, because you feel dirty for thinking things like that. My mom would disown me if she knew the thoughts I had about men. That doesn't calm me and I'm sent into panicking even more.

The door opens and I jump slightly, letting out a gasp of breath. It's Stanley and he looks mad at me. I don't want him to be mad at me. Oh god they all probably think I'm homophobic.

"You've really upset Richie." Stan says, not noticing I'm having a panic attack. His arms are crossed and he's looking at me with the famous Uris glare." He's trying to act like he's okay but I know he's not. He's on the brink of tears. I...are you okay?"

I bite my lip and shake my head, my breathing picking up again. I feel like I'm dying. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. Stanley walks over to me and places a hand on my back gently. He rubs small circles and tells me to breathe in and out. I do as I'm instructed and I feel myself calm down.

"What was that panic attack about?" Stanley asks once my breathing is back to normal. I'm still crying and I'm shaking.

"I don't wuh-Wanna talk about it." I stammer out and I sound like Bill. Stan raises an eyebrow, his anger being replaced with concern.

"Come on, Eddie. Talk to me." He says and I sigh, grabbing some tissue to wipe my eyes and nose.

"I really am happy for Richie. I know it didn't seem like it, but I am. It just triggered something in me." I sniff in explanation before blowing my nose. Stan looks at me. He clearly wants more information." I'm questioning my own sexuality, okay, and I'm scared that Richie's coming out may have...confirmed my sexuality. Stan, if my mom found out, I'd be disowned and she'd die alone. I don't want that to happen, even if I dislike her."

"You may need to explain that to Richie." Stanley says.

"I can't. I don't want anyone else to know. Please keep this a secret." I say and Stanley gives a hesitant nod.

This all nighter was supposed to be fun, but after my little show, everyone is silent...and Richie being silent means that he's really upset. I feel really guilty. So guilty it makes me feel sick. I really didn't want him to be upset. I don't want to be the cause of his hurt. I just want him to make a stupid joke and call me a silly nickname but he hasn't spoken to me in four whole hours. It hurts.