Lover| IT

Regret?

E.K

What the fuck have I done? I just lost my innocence...to Richie Tozier. My childhood best friend. What the FUCK? It's eight in the morning and I got changed when I woke up an hour ago. I'm in my running gear but I'm sat on my bed. I don't want Richie waking up and for me not to be here. He's still asleep...and not wearing anything. The comforter is over him. He looks comfortable. I just stare at him. I also have stubble rash from him and a bunch of hickey's on me. Thanks a lot Rich. To be fair, he has some too. It's not like I can even try and hide that this happened.

"Richie." I whisper as I get off of my bed. He groans and opens an eye." I'm just going for a run."

"Okay." He yawns, closing his eyes again. I chuckle and just leave him in my bed as I leave to go on my run.

As I'm running, I think about what happened. I didn't intend for it to go that far, but it did and I wanted it to in the end. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm happy I lost it to someone like Richie and not a random guy. It was never going to be Myra and I know that. I think she knows that too. But I feel guilty too. We're both in relationships. Oh god we both just cheated.

Suddenly my mind wanders back onto that kiss. The first one was just a peck. I was scared he didn't want me to kiss him so it was just a quick kiss. But he kissed back so quickly and so passionately. I was hungry for more. I didn't want it to end. Then I made the first move and we slept together. That actually happened and it felt...right. It felt so right and it was perfect.

And I wasn't even drunk. I was stone cold sober. I wanted it to happen. Wait, did I take advantage of him because he was drunk? Oh god am I a bad person? Did he actually want that to happen or was he just drunk? Oh god. But he consented. He nodded. Or did I just imagine that? I'm pretty sure he agreed. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have slept with him I swear!

Richie's awake and dressed when I get back. He's back in his Halloween costume and he's watching TV whilst eating cereal. Nice to know he helped himself to my food. He smiles at me as I walk in and I smile back awkwardly. Then I catch him staring at my shorts.

"You did want last night happen, didn't you?" I ask and he nods before finishing his breakfast. I smile and he stands up, placing his bowl in the sink. Then he grabs my hand and sits down on the edge of my bed, making me kind of straddle his lap. His hands are on my hips and my breathing hitches and then he kisses me.

I kiss back, but I'm hesitant. I'm scared. I don't know if I can do this. He has a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend. It feels wrong. But it also feels very right. Like Richie and I were actually meant to be together.

"Richie." I breathe out as we pull apart, our foreheads are almost touching and my eyes are closed. He moves some of my hair out of my eyes and kisses the tip of my nose." We can't do this."

"What do you mean?" He asks and I open my eyes. He looks a little hurt by my statement." I thought you wanted this...don't tell me you regret it."

"I don't know." I say and I get off of his lap. I didn't want to but I had to." It was great and...my first time...but, we're both in relationships."

"It was my first time too and I wouldn't have wanted it with anyone else." Richie says." Eddie...I love you. Like I really do. Like a lot."

I stare at him. He loves me. He actually loves me. More than a friend. Well, our friendships ruined now we've slept together. But I didn't think he loved me. It's a strong word.

"You're with Connor." Is all I say. I don't say it back. I have feelings for him but I don't know if I love him.

"I can break up with him. I'm pretty sure he won't want to be with me after this." Richie says and I shake my head.

"No. No don't break up with him because of me. Please don't do that." I say pleadingly. Richie sighs." And...I can't break up with Myra."

"Eddie, you're gay. You don't love her. Why can't you just break up with her?" He asks and he sounds irritated.

"Because I can't!" I snap and it's frustrating. I can't explain why I can't break up with Myra. I just can't do it. Richie stands up and scoffs, walking over to the door." Richie-

"Leave me alone." He snaps and then he leaves. I let out a sigh. That's the second time I've managed to upset him in the course of a week.

I feel so bad. I don't regret what happened. I just regret that we're both in relationships and it happened. I hate that I've upset him. I really didn't want to upset him. He said he loves me...I don't even know what love feels like. I don't know if I love him back when my idea of love has been warped into something entirely different from his idea of love. Love to me is to care for someone in such a way it's overbearing. To treat them like a patient. If Richie loves me in that way, then I don't want it. But then there's also actual love. The type I read about in books. When you care for someone so much that you are constantly thinking about them. Constantly teasing them. Never wanting to be without them. Can't live without them. Can't function without them.

I don't know. All I know is that Richie says he loves me. I don't know what type of love. I'm scared of being loved and I'm scared of being in love even more.