Lover| IT

Advice

R.T

I have never thrown up because of nerves before. This is a new thing. When I got back to my dorm and fully thought about what happened last night, I was overwhelmed with nerves and I rushed to the bathroom and I was sick. I don't think I like this new thing about me.

I think I understand what Eddie was on about now. He doesn't regret it happening. But he regrets that we cheated on our partners. He tried explaining and I jumped down his throat because I was scared he didn't have feelings for me. Then I told him. I fucking told him I loved him and it freaked him out. I'm a fucking idiot. I should probably tell Connor about this before I go to my parents. Rachel is visiting again. Which I good, because I need her advice. Big time.

E.K

I really needed to talk to someone, so I'm getting coffee with Bev. She's sat opposite me, talking about something and wearing a pretty smile on her face. But I'm not listening. I'm drowning in my thoughts.

Beverly is wearing a green jumper and some jeans as it's freezing for the first day of November. I'm wearing something similar. I didn't really notice how cold it was on my run this morning as I was filled with adrenaline. But I put on a blue shirt and a grey jumper over the top with some black pants.

"What's on your mind?" Beverly asks. She's been staring at my neck, where there's quite a big bruise thanks to Richie. A few big bruises. Thanks Richie!

"I need to tell you something." I say and I bite my nails nervously. Beverly stops me by placing my hands down on the table and holding onto them gently, rubbing circles onto the back of my hands using her thumbs. It's actually quite calming." I slept with Richie."

"You did what?" Beverly asks and now I feel some sort of shame wash over me." But what about Myra?"

"I'm just with her to please my mom. Beverly, if my mom finds out I'm gay, she will disown me." I say in a rant. Talking fast. Like usual.

"Wait...so this wasn't just you fooling around in college? Trying things out? You're actually gay?" Beverly asks and I nod. I can feel tears. I'm sick of crying!" Oh, Eddie. I feel like we all knew you were gay...we just wanted you to figure it out for yourself. It's not a thing to be ashamed of, okay? Be proud of yourself."

"I feel like shit because of it." I say and I start crying. Beverly wipes my tears away and smiles a soft smile at me." I cheated on someone...and I can't get out of that relationship."

"Why not?" Beverly asks and I go to say the reply but...I don't have an answer." There is nothing and no one stopping you. If your mom asks about Myra, you make shit up. It's not like she's ever met the woman."

"I guess you're right." I sniff." Oh god, I feel like such an asshole. I think I upset Richie this morning."

"Why, what'd you do?" Beverly asks curiously.

"He told me he loved me and...I didn't say it back." I explain and Beverly gasps." I don't know what love feels like, Bev. How could I tell him I love him back when I don't know what love is?"

R.T

I decided against telling Connor right away. I saw him and panicked and rushed to my dads car to go home. I'm glad to be at home, with familiar things around me and to have my family to talk to. Of course, the losers are my family too. But this is something I need to discuss with my biological family. Mostly my sister.

"Hmm are those hickeys?" Rachel asks. I've been sat in my room for two hours, just thinking. Thinking about everything to do with Eddie. Thinking about how I should tell Connor. I didn't even notice her walk in. She sits down beside me and stretches out her legs on the bed. I'm hugging my knees.

"They might be." I reply, continuing to stare out of the window. Rachel nudges shoulder and I look at her. She seems concerned about me.

"You're quiet, which only means one thing. What's wrong?" She asks. She knows me so well.

"I cheated on my boyfriend." I reply and Sue furrows her eyebrows. She hates cheaters and now her little brother is one. I feel shame wash over me and I start to cry into my knees. I feel Rachel place her hand on my back and gently rub in circles to calm me down.

"I'm not going to yell at you. I can tell you're upset about it." She says.

"But I'm not upset about it." I cry." The person I slept with is someone I love and have loved since I was a kid. I-It wasn't a mistake. The mistake was getting with Connor because now Eddie is too scared to be with me. Sure, he cheated on his girlfriend. But she's his beard and he's too scared to leave her."

"Woah, wait, slow down. Who the fuck is Eddie?" Rachel asks and I sigh. I keep forgetting she can't remember Derry.

"Eddie Kaspbrak. Short, sweet, feisty Eddie Kaspbrak." I reply with a sigh and Rachel just stares at me.

"Why do I recognise the name?" She asks and I sigh again.

"You also know Stanley Uris, Beverly Marsh, Ben Hanscom, Bill Denbrough and Mike Hanlon. Except we haven't seen Mike. We don't know where he is." I ramble and she stares at me. I sigh once more and get off of my bed, going under it and pulling out my year book.

"What're you doing?" She asks as I open it up and place it on the bed before sitting back down beside her. I don't know if this will work aswell as seeing them in person. But it's worth a shot.

"Bill, Ben, Eddie, Beverly, Stanley!" I say, pointing to the photos. Inside is also a roll of Polaroid from the photo booth in the arcade. Mike was homeschooled, so I point to him on the Polaroid." Mike! My childhood best friends. The losers club! We've known Stan since Stanley and I were in diapers."

"Have you lost your mind?" Rachel asks." I've never seen these people before...why are you crying even more?"

"BECAUSE I'M FRUSTRATED! YOU DO KNOW THESE PEOPLE. EDDIE WAS YOUR FAVOURITE. YOU TOLD ME THAT!" I scream and it's only because I'm agitated.

"RACHEL STOP WINDING YOUR BROTHER UP!" Mom yells up the stairs and Rachel glares at me. Now she's mad at me because I got her in trouble. I'm crying so hard I'm struggling to breathe. I take my glasses off and rub my eyes, trying to stop crying. Rachel shuffles over to me as I sit back down on my bed.

"I can tell you're angry about this. But I don't know who you're on about. I recognise the names and some faces. But it's a blur." She says gently. I nod and continue to rub my eyes, praying the tears to stop. Rachel pulls me into a hug and I sob into her neck.

"Am I a bad person?" I ask and it's something I've been thinking about all day.

"Of course you aren't." Rachel says, rubbing my arm soothingly." Don't think like that, Rich. You aren't a bad person. But you need to tell Connor, okay?"

"Okay." I sniff and we remain the that hug for about half an hour. Until I've calmed down. I put my glasses back on my face hurts from crying. Rachel shoots me a reassuring smile and I smile a small smile back.