Withering You

The Book

Mom was okay today. Not the old days okay but she was okay enough to walk on her own. Every step she takes is wobbly, I would pray she doesn't fall. Watching her I understand how she would have felt when I was taking my first steps. She would have been full of hope like I am now, though she wouldn't have felt this pain. This burning pain I feel along with hope when she is walking. I am not a religious person but these days I'm praying a lot to god, for her and for me.

Sometimes I wonder if God is punishing me through her. I have done a lot along with cheating. If that is the case I pray strongly for God to punish me alone. I don't want to face a day without her. It would be horrible.  There's no cure but hopefully the pain lessens. Frankly I want death before her. I understand clearly what I'm writing. Mom doesn't have months left and I'm happy to even die tomorrow. I have nothing to lose though it's a very selfish thought.  Mom would be broken.

I had a letter stashed inside our letterbox today. No stamp or address written. I had felt a little faintish. Someone had hand delivered it. Nothing is wrong with a letter. Some neighbouring kid might have dropped it as some kind of a joke that is only amusing to them. I had taken it inside.  I should have just dropped it in the dustbin and spent the lavish time with mom but I had opened it. It wouldn't have taken me more than a hair to guess that it was Jason. Jason Everyl. God, I'm not sure what he wants. I sit under the tree during break to avoid him but he makes sure I suffer somehow or the other.

Sebastian called me today. Asked me what I was thinking about his proposal. His fucking proposal.  He should stick that up in his ass.  He seemed to threaten me when I had told him that I'm finishing off all business with him. I know he is capable of doing more. He can mess with my grades but I'm not sleeping with him. I need things desperately but there's a limit to how far I let things get me. I won't sacrifice my body to get a summary done.

I tried at writing the summary.  If I can manage to write this then I can manage a summary. That's what I thought but I ended up pulling my hair in frustration. I was distracted by my thoughts filled up about  Jason, Sebastian, Colin and Roy. I asked Colin for his friend's name. The friend who keeps following me everywhere. His name is Roy. Oh boy, he followed me home yesterday. He did say something when I had looked at him. I don't want to act like I didn't hear it. It was out, loud and clear. Whore. He called me a whore.

It stung me deeply. I feel the effect of that word even now.  What did I do? I didn't sleep with anyone. I don't become a whore just because he and his friends want to sleep with me. They all are the whores. Calling them whores puts the actual whores to shame, these men are far worse of a creature than that.