Withering You

Noah

Because of you, only you, I started to wake up early to school. And because of you, I sit on the second row so I can see you clearly on the first row. I would have taken your other subjects, too, so I could spend more time with you but I lack everything in english literature. It wouldn't have killed me to sit at the class but really I can't stand it. I compensate that time to watch you secretly under the tree during lunch break.

It's the only time you are alone. No girls. No Colin. They prefer the cool cafeteria against the warm outside. But Colin is a fool. How could he miss the chance to be with you alone? I don't understand men at times.

I'll kill to be next to you. But I can't, I don't think you'd even know I share your math class.  It would be out of the blue if I ask to sit next to you during break. You would think I'm weird. So I stay well away from you. You have never noticed me. I would watch as you bite your pencil while you concentrate on your writing. You hardly eat, all you do is write. I'm not sure how you do it. How can you not eat? Aren't you hungry? Many times it had angered me to see you not eating. What's so much in writing that you forget to eat? I never had the ability to word out my frustrations. I had even hinted at Colin to check if you eat well but he had just said something about low calories means slim you and that's how he likes you. What kind of crap is that?

Sometimes in class, when you bend down to pick a pen you'd dropped, I would see how small you are. Your bony elbows and fingers make me clutch my pen tight. You need to eat. Like really eat.

I walk out of my class at break and give a nod at Roy. He gives out a sigh. I smile at him and walk to my usual spot to watch you. Roy covers for me at the cafeteria, says I'm finding it hard to breathe in a congested area. Roy is sometimes a genius. Only sometimes. He clearly warns me about my growing love for you. No one will understand. No one needs to.

I stop at my locker to take out my lunch, mom believes strongly in home cooked meals as far healthier than what's served at the cafeteria. I don't complain, it saves me a lot of time as I don't have to stand on long queues to get food. 

My heart flutters when I see you in front of your locker. I do see you around most of the time but still you have these butterflies in the stomach effect on me.

You were bending down to pick something up. I should have moved, go to my usual secret spot before you get to that tree but I don't. I just watch you. My heart picks up speed. You straighten up. You were holding a letter.

My eyes widened, remembering. It must be the letter Colin had given you yesterday. The letter Roy had slipped inside your locker during the game. You have found it only now. I should have at least moved now, but I wanted to see how you'd react to that roses and violets and fairies. I found myself smiling. Tell me you are going to break up with him after you read it. Fingers twisted, I wait for you to open it. I see your fingers tremble slightly. I frown, a lack of vitamins? You should eat, Ava.

You open up the letter and read it. You look around to check if anyone is watching, I hastily fake like I'm reading a notice on the notice board.  On my peripheral vision I can see you visibly shaking. I couldn't leave you like that, what if you faint? I turn to look at you, our eyes meet, yours were wet. Why are you crying? Was Colin's writing so bad? I try to walk to you but you realised what I was doing. You ball the letter up and throw it quickly inside your locker. You grabbed the book you always write on and slammed the locker door shut. The sound echoes on the empty hall, I freeze mid step. You walk away hastily. You made it clear that I shouldn't follow you. I stay like that feeling torn. Maybe if you had stayed, we could have started a conversation which would have developed an opening to your heart. But you walked away.  I'm probably a nuisance to you.

What I don't understand is, why did you react as such to the letter? I give out a loud sigh before going back to the library.  You didn't leave anything of me to follow you out. I feel the lowest of the low. Was I not worth a word of yours? You could have spoken to me. It would have made my day. No. No, it would have made my year. But it's okay. No, it's not really. You broke all the hope I had in me. The hope that we could be an us one day. Damn, stupid me. I need to get my shit together.  I need to move on from you. It's hard but you showed me the harsh reality that I'm not anything worth to you.

I quickly send a message to Roy, asking him to come to the library. Colin has his football buddies to give him company. Hell, he even has you. I have no one.